WHO SAID PREGNANCY IS SEXY?

I went to the Mall today, something I try to avoid doing as a full time Mom, just because I find it kind of depressing. Anything that seems cliche to do as a full time Mom I sort of avoid (because I'm always in denial that I have nothing better to do). But today seemed like a good day. It was overcast and "wintery" out and it seemed fun to peruse the stores in search of something new to pep up the house or something we had to have for the holidays. It's also a great little mall for Hudson to run around. After an hour of puttering around, the trip didn't prove to be all that inspiring. Maybe because I'm pregnant and didn't want to buy anything for my overgrowing self. Which brings me to the real topic of today's blog. Right now I don't want to be pregnant. I mean, I do. I want to have another child. I want to expand our family. I want to give Hudson a sibling. All that is good. I just don't want to be pregnant. And the funny thing is, before I was pregnant, I couldn't wait to be pregnant again. The grass is always greener. But seriously, the first trimester really sucks. I am sick, tired, moody and just overall have a sense of feeling "down". It's like there's this malaise over everything that just makes me feel mildly discontent about everything. And I can't bother buying something cute to make me feel sexy and whole, because I'm only going to get bigger. So here I am, roaming the mall in some faded, stretched out sweat pants, a white tank top and my Uggs boots - feeling like crap, looking like crap, but not feeling inspired to do anything about it. Who said Pregancy is sexy anyway?

I NEED A BREAK!

This morning I took a walk on the beach with my son. One of my biggest struggles as a Mom is figuring out how I’m going to keep myself and Hudson entertained all day. It’s the difference between going to a job you know is going to be slow and boring and going to a job that is fast paced and full of purpose. I feel as though I always need to add this disclaimer, I LOVE MY SON. But does that mean I have to love being a full time Mom? I am a high energy person that thrives off production, creativity and “doing”. I have worked hard in the first couple years of Hudson’s (my son’s) life to conquer that and just be ok “being”. I’ve done pretty well – I’ve survived two years and 4 months. But it’s getting to me lately. Maybe because I’m pregnant and have morning sickness and don’t have the same pep as I did before….maybe because Summer’s over and everyone is going back to school except for us… Plus, it doesn’t help that my nanny just quit. Although she only comes 2x/week, that was my reprieve. My time to myself. My time to not have to entertain someone else or be at someone’s beckon call. Does this sound awful? I LOVE MY SON. I just know myself and I know on the days when I get a break, time to myself or have something “going on”, I feel much more alive and energetic. And then there’s the whole homemaker thing. I am not cut out to be a homemaker. Don’t get me wrong, I love to entertain decorate, arrange flowers and organize (to name a few), but I don’t like being a slave to it day in and day out and not having a choice about it. I’m smart, creative, high energy…I’m capable of so much. I hate that when I’m with my son I’m often not 100% present. I’m often thinking about how this isn’t for me. I want to be with my son, but I want moderation, balance and other stimulation. So, I’ve said that enough now. So, what am I doing about it???

WHAT WOULD I CHANGE ABOUT MY OWN CHILDHOOD?

Raising a child makes you think constantly about the way you were raised. There were things about my childhood that I consider very idyllic and things I consider extremely less than idyllic.

Things that I would emulate…

Growing up in a tight knit neighborhood where kids and parents are friends and there are traditions like Halloween trick or treating…all the kids playing together, riding bikes together, using the neighborhood and surrounding area as their playground.

Less than idyllic…parents divorced…no memories of living with mommy and daddy…no memories of mommy being home and playing with mommy and being with neighborhood friends and mommies….sister handicapped…didn’t have a strong sibling to positively identify with……latch key kid..babysitters, tv kept me company. Felt bored, lonely, anxious, jealous…wanted to be where other kids were.

What I would do same.....things in moderation, things that are part of childhood…staying up late, watching tv, getting junk food now and then….giving kids freedom to “be kids”

What I will do for my child....

Be there for my son! Provide stable, safe, secure home life where he has memories of mommy and daddy and mommy and daddy are there for him. Give him that foundation for life. Help him to build his sense of security, sense of self and self esteem. He is worthy of love.

DO I NEED TO GET A LIFE??

Last week I went to a seminar about creating a Bucket List - you know, the things you want to do before you die. Is it sad that the only things I could think of were "Watch my kids grow up" and "Meet my grandchildren". I mean, is that what my life has become - living for my kids and not for myself. What about any hopes, dreams, aspirations I have/had outside of being a Mom. Traveling the world?...Heck, CONQUERING the world. No, forget it, I'm too tired. ; ) But I really had to think about and push my mind outside of the obvious comfort zone of just relying on my children for my fulfillment in life. What more do I want? Then I went and saw the movie Love Happens. In the movie a man loses his wife and loses his life. Meaning, he lost his purpose for life after his wife died. I cried and cried because part of me feels like I will lose my purpose for life if a child of mine dies. Should I be putting so much of my livelihood on my children and is it even possible not to? How can we, as Moms/parents, create a safety net so that our children are not our only sense of fulfillment? Ok, I sound pathetic here. I do have other interests - Yes! But you Moms know what I'm talking about.


I think Motherhood is a process where you do lose yourself for a certain period of time. Either you are pregnant, breast feeding, sleep deprived, chasing a Toddler, getting your kids to school - it is so kid-centric for a period of time that your "other identity" - your self other than being a Mom - does take a hit. But sooner or later you resurface and so do things about yourself you maybe forgot about - like working out, reading, traveling, etc.

We Moms just have to remember it's a process, and yes, Motherhood is the most selfless act of all...but we also have to honor ourselves as a person that also has needs, interests, dreams and desires and it's up to us not to forget those.

So, go make your bucket list and put a few things on there that have nothing to do with your kids. I dare you!!!

CDD - CONSTANT DISTRACTION DISORDER

Hudson and I were on the go from the 2^nd week of his little life. Now, by on the go, it’s not like I was dressing him up and sending him off to prep school. No! I would bundle him up safely and comfortably and put him in his car seat and put him in the comfort of our beautiful escalade and go for a car ride…sometimes a very long car ride. Looking back, I don’t think it was so much that Hudson was a newborn and didn’t like being in the car. I think it was that Hudson was a newborn and lived for eating and sleeping, both of which were disrupted by long periods of time in the car…which is why I often pulled over into random parking lots and neighborhoods to nurse him! The things you do!

It wasn’t until Hudson was 4 months old that I realized that flying by the seat of my pants wasn’t really working for either of us anymore. That’s when I got religion, and by religion I mean I put Hudson on a sleep and eat schedule and it changed our lives. ALL NEW MOMS LISTEN UP. If you don’t read any other blog of mine, read the one on sleep training. Bbecause if you’re like me or any other new Mom, you have serious sleep deprivation, ADD and CDD (constant-distraction-disorder…that one I made up!)

ATTENTION STAY AT HOME MOMS

I envy the women who were born to be stay-at-home Moms. And by stay-at-home, I mean, literally STAY AT HOME. There are women who are absolutely thrilled and 100% content to be at home with their babies and NOT GO ANYWHERE. I don’t know whether they are afraid to venture out with their newborn or they would just rather be in the comfort of their home. But for me, it was the opposite. If I were at home (in this case “home” was my in laws house) for 2 days in a row, I would start to have anxiety and go a little coo-coo (not for Coco Puffs). Mostly I would go coo-coo because I would feel as though I had nothing to do. HELLO, I was caring for a newborn. Isn’t that enough?! Well, apparently not for me! I felt I needed more. I look back and wish I could have relaxed into it more and just been happy being at home. But being a Type A, driven person I just felt that wasn’t enough. So, off we went, here and there, and I think that Hudson wasn’t happy about that. Maybe that’s why he hated the car. I remember running into my neighbor one day who adopted an infant about a year before I had Hudson. I told her about the running back and forth between the two houses and she said that in every culture she knew of it was advised that infants not leave the house for 6 weeks! Ok, I don’t know if she meant to make me feel bad, but I left her house feeling like a child abuser.

ATTENTION MOTHERS OF CRYING BABIES!

I don’t think there is any way to condition yourself to hear your baby cry. It’s not something you can prepare yourself for either, which is why there aren’t any “baby crying” self help CD’s on the market for new Moms. Sure, you’ve heard babies cry – on airplanes, in restaurants - but until it’s YOUR baby, it’s just white noise – something in the background so familiar to you, you don’t even hear it. Well, when it’s your baby, believe me, YOU HEAR IT. It is the most disturbing, distracting sound you’ve ever heard!!!!!! And unless you have one of those “perfect” babies – what are THOSE anyway??!! – your baby WILL cry. They will cry at first because they have no other way to express themselves. This is how they get their point across, and boy do they!

When my baby was first born, he would scream and cry bloody murder in the car. I KNOW, most babies fall asleep in the car. In fact, a lot of Moms go for car rides in order to put their babies to sleep. Well, not my baby. And the worst part about the car rides (from hell) is that we had to do so many of them. When Hudson was born, we were living with our in laws (that’s a whole different blog entry!) Our house was being remodeled and it wasn’t a suitable place to bring an infant home to. Very fortunately for us, we had somewhere else to go. But unfortunately for us, that somewhere else was far away. Our in laws lived about one hour from our house, without traffic. That’s an oxymoron since we live in LA – there is always traffic. So depending on what time of day we would commute between the two houses, the drive could take up to 1.5 to 2 hours. With a screaming infant in the backseat, you can only imagine the types of guns I fantasized about putting to my head on a bad day (that’s a joke by the way!)

Part of the reason we had to drive back and forth between the two houses so much was because I had to manage the remodel project and make sure everything was on track. The other reason why is because I had to get out of the house!