FEELING UNAPPRECIATED!

I'm sure you Moms can relate to this. Your husband/partner goes out of town on a guy's trip and while he's gone you are left to do the heavy lifting, ie. take care of the house, kids and possibly even the dog. Before your husband leaves, you have the very best intentions for him to have a great time while you be Supermom. Yet, somewhere along the way this master plan starts to crack at the seams. Maybe it's your child's first temper tantrum or your dog barking so loud at every little sound you start to lose your hearing or the dinner you never made yourself because you were too busy doing everything else or the night terrors that keep you up because your hubbie isn't there to protect you. And, then there is just the general burnout that comes from being a single parent while your partner's away! It is inevitable that some resentment may creep in when you start to feel overwhelmed and your spouse is sending you text messages with pictures of how fresh the powder is. Yet, you continue to give yourself pep talks throughout the weekend (he would do the same for you, you are being a great wife, he deserves this trip, maybe he'll be in a better mood when he gets back and has relieved some of his daily stresses, etc.) you still fall prey to the expectations that start to build for his return home. Since you have made such a sacrifice (because now your do-gooder is giving way to full blown martyr-dom) to hold down the fort while he's away having fun, you start to imagine all the things you expect your husband to do when he returns. Starting with kissing your royal bootie, swooping the kids off to some undisclosed location so you can have piece and quiet, cooking you a 5 course meal or at least acknowledging how beautiful the house looks ON TOP OF all the heavy lifting you pulled off in his absence! But what happens when resentment and expectations are met with ambivalence?? Your partner returns from his amazing guy's trip and not only does he seem exhausted and irritated when the kids are climbing all over him demanding his attention, but he doesn't notice how beautiful the house looks and only complains about dirty dishes in the sink? You hardly hear the words Thank You and you sense a chip on his shoulder?

It seems so obvious to me, but then again, that's why men and women are soooooo different. When you are married or partners and share parenting responsibilities and you get a hall pass to escape all your responsibilities as a father, husband and head of household for a given period of time, when you return, it's game on. This is your way of SHOWING appreciation to the partner you left in the dust, holding all the responsibilities you left behind. Women live for appreciation and acknowledgement and in many cases it's how we receive love. For men, at least my husband, sex seems to be his golden ticket (the fix all for sure), but for women it's the recognition for how hard we work as women, wives, Moms. It's appreciation and gratitude for how well we take care of the children, how pretty we make the house look and all we do behind the scenes that no one ever knows about. And to take it a step further, it's about reciprocation. Have you ever heard the expression, "If you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours". Child rearing is exhausting and one of the best things you can do for your partner (and your partner can do for you) is to give each other a much-deserved break. Women are suckers for surprises. How about planning a massage for your wife unexpectedly when you return from your guy's weekend extravaganza? How about doing the grocery shopping and cooking a couple nights in a row when you first get back while she lounges guilt free watching Entertainment Tonight with a glass of wine -- and to drive it home, maybe even act like her servant. Yes, actually wait on her. I'm telling you, this will go MILES for your relationship in letting her know how much you appreciate her and her contribution. Maybe give her some money and tell her to go do some shopping or get a mani/pedi. What I'm trying to say here is MAKE SOME GRAND GESTURE to show your appreciation. And you will get so many more guy's trips in the future!

DADDY, YOU'RE FIRED!

I realize what I am about to write is going to PISS OFF just about every man/husband/father reading this…and actually make most of you women/wives/mothers absolutely GLOAT….but that is not my intention. My intention would be for men to actually see something in this that could be a contribution to their relationship. But, alas, I can’t control your reaction, so here goes.

Why do men think it’s ok to come home from work and plop on the couch or get on the computer or basically do ANY activity that is the equivalent of “checking out” instead of being an active/present participant in the family activities? I mean, this isn’t the 40’s where the man comes home from work and the wife is waiting with her apron on and a cold martini on a tray and the man goes and sits in his favorite chair in front of the tv and throws his feet up on the ottoman, only for his wife to remove his shoes! Hi Leave it to Beaver, Archie Bunker. I mean, why should the woman wait on the man and do all the work? I know what most men’s argument is. Here it goes. “I’ve been working hard all day to support this family [I deserve to be taken care of]. Uh…helllllllooooo….and what have WE been doing? Sitting on our butts eating bon bons?! And then my favorite is when men have the kids for ONE day so Mom can get a break and the Dad says, “What are you complaining about, that was EASSSSYYYYY.” Ok, Dads, listen up. Having your kids for ONE day here and there is not equivalent to full time parenthood….and if you think it is, try quitting your job and being in our shoes and then you’ll see how HARD it is.

It absolutely fries me when my husband gets home from work and soon after giving my son and I his cursory hello, he slips into the office and gets on the computer. Meanwhile, I am either cooking dinner or entertaining our son….not to mention our son has been anxiously awaiting his arrival home from work. That is probably the saddest part….he doesn’t realize how excited his son is to see him and have his attention, and he is in the office surfing tabloid websites. Give me a break! Wouldn’t I love to be doing that??? Parenthood means sacrifice and selflessness, and unfortunately, NOT doing what you want to do WHEN you want to do it….all the time. It’s time for a Daddy wake up call.

WHINES, SCREAMS, CRIES....OH MY!!!!!

Not to sound melodramatic, but my son broke me tonight. He broke my spirit, and I snapped. I was out all day doing last minute Xmas errands and came home to a happy child and a clean house. Ahhh, nirvana. We had to take the nanny to the bus, which always drives me nuts, especially after driving around all day. The last thing I want to do is have to put my son in the car seat and drive to the bus in rush hour traffic. But, hey, I should be thankful I have a car and can drive right? Afterall, she’s taking the bus. It’s a feat getting my son to do ANYthing these days. Eat. Get dressed. Change a diaper. Leave the house. Get into the car. If we go to a playdate and there’s a movie, he throws a tantrum if we have to leave. He whines and screams and cries to get what he wants – movie, airplane park, climb a tree, not wanting to get out of the car seat, and god forbid I undue his carseat. God forbid I move his stool for him so he can climb on his diaper changing table. God forbid I move the diaper caddy out of the way. He has to put everything back so HE CAN DO IT. ME DO IT!!!!!!!! I thought he would want to see Santa, but even that was not enough to motivate him to change his diaper and clothes without a fuss, which turned into a full blown tantrum because we did not have jellybeans at his disposal (an earlier tactic I tried out as a means of getting him to change his diapers that is now dominating my life). Needless to day, I could use a cocktail right now….scratch that, let’s go straight to shots.

TERRIBLE TWO'S ANYONE?!

I’d be lying if I said I’d like my son to stay 2.5 forever. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I get he’s going to grow up and leave me and I’m going to cry over these “golden” years – forgetting all the screaming, crying, temper tantrums, power struggles….just wanting to scream “Shut the F--- UP!” to him in the back seat of the car –-but for now, I am looking forward to that next stage of more self control, more listening, greater COMPLIANCE. We took my son to a dog wash tonight, thinking it’d be a fun family thing to do. My son is so into helping with EVERYTHING – everything we don’t WANT him helping with – cooking eggs over a hot stove, sweeping our already swept pile of dirt (or shall I say UNsweeping it), etc. So I thought for sure he’d love the dog wash. It didn’t take long for the power washer to overtake him when he decided he was bored and needed other stimulation – outside of the confines of the doggy wash bin. His first stop – the miniature dog coral. Of course he wanted to go in there and be with those little yappers and was insisting I lift him up to see over the fence (hard to do when you’re trying to blowdry your dog’s butthole at the same time) Thank god for the sweet dog wash girl with the stepping stool. Then there were the coffee table books. Were those for sale??!!!! Cuz no one’s gonna buy them now! And then there were the dog collars. Not the cool, chunky ones you’d put on a REAL dog….but the little pom pom things (are you kidding ME?!) that go on Pommeranians (sorry, you’re cute, but those COLLARS?!) Soon enough my son’s opinion of them was clear by how they were scattered all over the dog wash floor. So, needless to say, it made me think about-scratch that-fantasize about-the day when Hudson is just a little more tame. Will there ever be such a day?

RANDOM ACTS OF BONDING

RANDOM ACTS OF BONDING

Motherhood is not all bad, and I’m not really a bad Mom. You know that saying “Life happens when you’re planning it?” What I’ve learned is that Motherhood happens when you aren’t trying to be a good Mom. It’s the moments in between the moments. We think it’s the times when we make sure our children eat well, take a good nap, have plenty of play time and social interaction and we teach them the alphabet. But what I’ve learned is it’s probably not those times. They’ll get all that in school and life regardless of how neurotic we are about it. What they can’t get in school in life is the precious moments we share with them. The unexpected, unplanned moments….the RANDOM ACTS OF BONDING that happen when we least expect them. The moments between the moments. I just had one tonight. It’s Christmas time and my husband calls it the Mollidays. Needless to say, I go a little crazy this time of year. It’s as if the whole year is leading up to this one month for me. My focus today was on getting the Christmas tree, hanging decorations and getting everything just right. Of course I was yelling at my son for playing with my ornaments and wanting to help me decorate the tree. Well, not really yelling at him, but at the very least, caring more about getting my decorations just right than letting him contribute to the process. BAD MOM! At the end of the day, I was so tired. Not tired from playing with my son and giving him my undivided attention, but tired from the Mollidays and my overzealous decorating. I could barely wait for my son to go to sleep, like the end of most days. Infact, I wanted a break so bad that when I put him in the bath, I slipped into the next room to watch Entertainment Tonight. Ok, I may be a bad Mom at times, but I’m not negligent. I could see him in the reflection of my bathroom mirror, and I was just in the adjoining bedroom. But nonetheless, I basked in entertainment news and gossip – the latest upate on how many women Tiger Woods cheated on his wife with and how much she was increasing her prenup demands to (good stuff!) while my son bathed. All I could think while I was doing this was “my nanny, who gives my son her 24/7 undivided attention, would like this bordered on child abuse” I could just hear her thoughts (and my own judgement on myself, really)….Look at that adorable boy, all alone in the tub, while his Mother just neglects him. Did I mention my Nanny’s a better Mom than me? Anyway, my son crawled out of the tub and my break and temporary entertainment fix came to an abrupt end. I took him downstairs and tried to get him in pajamas. The operative word here – TRIED. No luck and I didn’t feel like chasing him down, so I went in the other room to see if I could get him to eat dinner. Probably not since I filled him up on snacks earlier just to distract him while doing my Christmas decorating. So, in all my avoiding-being-a-Mom moments, they all added up to the most important moment of all. My son ran out of his room, naked, to find me in the kitchen. He had with him a basketball –an early Xmas present he gave to himself (you try keeping toys away from a 2 year old). I don’t know what got into me – perhaps a moment of presence – of actually wanting to be a Mom, but I got down on the ground and starting playing ball with my son. We started out rolling the ball back and forth. Then we starting throwing it to each other. Then I started showing him some basketball tricks (I tried out for the team but never made it). I showed him dribbling and tossing the ball in the air and catching it. He excitedly mimicking everything I did. I’d do it and pass the ball to him and he’d do it. He’d say “You’re turn”! And I’d go next and so on. I sat there, across from my son, and the exchange between us was so mutual and so gratifying. Me watching him copy everything I did, try new things, learn new things….me just reveling in him…. Now, that’s what Motherhood is ALL about.

WHAT WOULD I CHANGE ABOUT MY OWN CHILDHOOD?

Raising a child makes you think constantly about the way you were raised. There were things about my childhood that I consider very idyllic and things I consider extremely less than idyllic.

Things that I would emulate…

Growing up in a tight knit neighborhood where kids and parents are friends and there are traditions like Halloween trick or treating…all the kids playing together, riding bikes together, using the neighborhood and surrounding area as their playground.

Less than idyllic…parents divorced…no memories of living with mommy and daddy…no memories of mommy being home and playing with mommy and being with neighborhood friends and mommies….sister handicapped…didn’t have a strong sibling to positively identify with……latch key kid..babysitters, tv kept me company. Felt bored, lonely, anxious, jealous…wanted to be where other kids were.

What I would do same.....things in moderation, things that are part of childhood…staying up late, watching tv, getting junk food now and then….giving kids freedom to “be kids”

What I will do for my child....

Be there for my son! Provide stable, safe, secure home life where he has memories of mommy and daddy and mommy and daddy are there for him. Give him that foundation for life. Help him to build his sense of security, sense of self and self esteem. He is worthy of love.