To breastfeed or not to breastfeed…that is the question. Sure this may not be as profound as Shakespeare’s question to live or to die, but probably the most difficult decision for many new Moms to make. I have to admit, for me breastfeeding came relatively easy with my two children. I didn’t have problems with latching, it wasn’t painful and I produced enough milk… Not enough milk to feed a small army, but enough milk to feed my little soldier. I really enjoyed breastfeeding my son (he breastfed until 9 months and is now 3.5 years old), and still do with my daughter (six months old), but breastfeeding doesn’t come without a cost.
As I stood in the shower this morning I pondered how long I would be able to breastfeed my six month old daughter. In the past week I’ve noticed my breasts aren’t as engorged as they used to be. They are starting to flatten out on the top and my bras aren’t filling out as much. When I pump, I’m not even getting a full feeding, and just last weekend I depleted the breast milk storage. I am a full time Mom with the exception of two days a week when I have a babysitter for six hours. This means I have to pump 2-3 feedings for each of those days. That’s a lot of pumping! When I’m home with my daughter, I don’t really keep a schedule. I did with my son, but he was a much different baby. He was fussier, I was sleepier, and keeping a schedule was a necessity for my sanity. I also supplemented with formula when he was 5 months old at the advice of a woman who was helping me sleep train him. He seemed fussy when I breastfed him and she suggested he wasn’t getting enough milk. She recommended I start pumping and monitoring how much he was eating. It was soon after that I started supplementing because he was eating far more than I realized, and I couldn’t keep up. Maybe that’s what’s happening now with my daughter?! When I’m home with her I just feed her “on demand”. When she’s fussy or she’s having trouble falling asleep, or when I want to sooth her (or myself), breastfeeding is my secret weapon (probably the number one reason to breastfeed in my opinion…love that secret weapon!). But the babysitter doesn’t have that secret weapon, so I have to make sure she has milk to spare!
The thing about pumping is, it’s a pain in the butt. Even if you have the all-important breast-pumping bra and put on your favorite reality show, it’s still a pain. And it’s humiliating…even if you’re in a room by yourself. There’s just nothing attractive about pumping. Ask most Moms; it’s pumping that makes breastfeeding feel like a burden. Just when you want to have NOTHING to do, you have to pump! WA WA WA WA WA WA (that’s the sound of the breast pump)!
So I sat there in the shower contemplating whether now was the time to start supplementing. I don’t know why, but when women go from solely breastfeeding to using formula it feels like some judgment is coming down and the guilt sets in. Will my baby get fat now (I know, very superficial and unimportant!)? Will she immediately grow up? Will we lose our bond? Will she be like every other baby? Will I be less of an earth Mother? When you do something that is so natural for so long, it is difficult to consider things any other way. But sometimes necessity takes the choice out of our hands.
So there I was, in the shower examining my breasts, noticing how UNfull of milk they felt, and I knew I had an event to go to which would take me away from my baby for four hours. I got out of the shower and was already pressed for time. I put on my breast pumping bra and my robe and affixed all the necessary gear and starting pumping. Since I was short for time, I blew dry my hair at the same time (gotta love the multi-tasking – I’ve also danced and pumped at the same time – now that takes skill)….As I was pumping and blow drying (working up a sweat I might add), I hear someone knocking at the door downstairs. The dogs start barking. It’s the babysitter and a painful reminder of how little milk is coming out and the decision I’m going to be faced with momentarily. I start sweating more. I have so much to do before I have to leave and I have to arrive at this event on time. No milk is coming. I have thirty minutes before I have to leave. I have to finish my hair, get dressed, pay the garage door repair guys who have been in my house all day, prep the sitter for the afternoon (she is a new sitter by the way)…no milk……… And, finally, I have a moment. I turn off the blow dryer and look in the mirror at myself. I look like a machine with all the breast pumping equipment hanging off me. My breast are sagging. There isn’t any milk in there right now. I know what I need to do, and I finally accept it. Formula. Why am I stressing myself out? Pushing myself up against a wall? I have worked hard to breastfeed and pump and take care of my baby for six months. And I’ve done a great job. She’s amazingly healthy and beautiful. I’m a good Mom. I WANT to continue breastfeeding her and I will. But at this moment, it is what it is, and there isn’t enough milk. My decision is made and I’m at peace with it. But it’s not without some sadness. The babysitter comes in my room and she asks about the feeding schedule. I tell her there isn’t really one. I just know when she’s hungry and I feed her. She asks where the milk is. I show her the barely 3 ounces I just pumped and I point to the can of formula. This will be the first time I say. And there’s silence. And then I start justifying it. She is very understanding, but part of me feels like I’m failing…like I’m letting HER down. I’m going to keep breastfeeding her I insist! Why do I have to prove anything to anyone anyway? But I do. I love breastfeeding my daughter. But I know when enough is enough, and I’ve put myself under enough pressure. It’s time to let myself off the hook. So we make a bottle of formula and went to my event.
I really enjoyed the event. I enjoyed being dressed up and out on the town as a woman, an adult…not a Mom. When it came time to go home, I didn’t want to. I was enjoying myself. I wanted to stay out longer. But duty called. I went home and found my babysitter feeding my baby the bottle of formula. She took it fine. I knew she would. Later that night I breastfed her to sleep and pumped afterward. And this morning I breastfed her again.
I am starting to realize that as a Mom, AND as a person, I have to find balance and give myself a break. If I pressure myself too much about anything, it will take away from the enjoyment of everything. I would rather enjoy breastfeeding my daughter when I can and not worry about it when I can’t. I am lucky, I know, to be able to breastfeed her at all. And I am grateful for that.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
WHEN THE HUSBAND'S AWAY........
Ok ladies, I’ve been with my husband for six years, married for four. He is a really good husband and has never done anything to cause me to mistrust him. Yet, whenever he goes out of town, I inevitably lose it. What do I mean by this? I get highly anxious if he doesn’t call or doesn’t answer his cellphone, or if he sounds like he’s having too good of a time. Why can’t I just let him have a good time already??!!! Afterall, my husband is NOT one of these guys that does this often, parties like a rockstar, goes out excessively with guy friends, plants himself on the couch for hours watching tv, or worse yet, on the computer playing xgames (yes, I recently talked to a mom friend who said her husband spends HOURS a DAY playing xbox on the internet. Uh, hello divorce court!!!.....to each their own I guess). So my husband is NOT a slacker, cheater or even remotely irresponsible, so again, why can’t I just let him have a good time already? Well, the answer is simple. I have abandonment issues. And for those of you that have any “issues” (I know, none of you do right?!), you know that “issues” rarely ground themselves in logic, rationale or justice. So, as a result of my abandonment issues, my husband often gets unfairly tried for committing no crime. All I can say is that when he goes out of town and doesn’t call within 24 hours, I know rationally that he is busy or preoccupied or doesn’t think he needs to call, or, god forbid, is just having fun. I know he isn’t holed up with a hooker (sorry to be so crass)…..but the way I physiologically react, you’d think he was.
Friday, October 29, 2010
SLEEP TRAINING!
READY TO GET SOME ZZZ'S NEW MOMS? READ ON..............
Ok new Moms, listen up. I am no expert, but having had success with getting TWO babies to sleep through the night, you may want to hear what I have to say. The #1 question I hear new Moms asking is, "Is your baby sleeping through the night?" This is both a measurement tool and a sign of desperation. It's a measurement tool because new Moms are always comparing their babies to other people's babies to see how well their babies are doing. And it's a sign of desperation because what new Mom (or any Mom for that matter) isn't desperate to get a good night's sleep?! Yet, we can't do that when we have a baby waking up every hour.
Just last weekend I was at a party with a bunch of parents. I was telling one Mom how I got my 5 month old daughter to sleep through the night. As soon as I mentioned "sleep training" I heard the silent eye rolls around me. This Mom was quick to respond that her 8 month old daughter still wants to breastfeed all night. Of course I didn't say this, but what baby doesn't want to feed all night? That's why it's called sleep TRAINING. Yes, some people are blessed with babies that just sleep through the night without any kind of training at all. But most babies have to learn how to sleep through the night. Why? From the time they are infants, babies wake up in the middle of the night out of necessity to feed. And you have either given your baby a bottle or a breast, or both. This is a nutritional necessity, but it also teaches a certain kind of behavior. The message is, wake up and you will be comforted, and then you can go back to sleep. So, actually, babies learn to rely on breastfeeding or the bottle to comfort themselves, and in many cases, to fall asleep. The challenge this presents for the parent is -- what happens when the baby no longer NEEDS the feeding because of their age and weight (most experts agree that after 4 months and 14 pounds, babies don't need a night feeding - but check with your Pediatrician for clearance on your baby), but your baby is still waking up? How do you get them back to sleep?
This is where self-soothing comes in. And this is the REAL reason to do sleep training. Infact, the term "sleep training" should be replaced with the term "self soothing training". Babies need to learn how to self sooth. Whether you swear by the Sleep Easy Solution, the Baby Whisperer, or Weissbluth's Healthy Sleep Habits for Happy Baby (these are all great books by the way), all the experts agree that babies need to learn to self sooth. And, unfortunately, learning to self sooth sometimes involves a little bit of crying...and, in some cases, a lot of crying -- hence the term "the cry it out method". Imagine if you were given something to eat everytime you got upset, and then all of a sudden you got upset and no one gave you anything to eat. You'd have to find some other way to sooth yourself - something you could do for YOURSELF. Most babies will end up sucking on a thumb, fingers, a pacifier, a blanket, or like my daughter, their feet. It doesn't matter what it is, if they can do it themselves, for themselves, they are self soothing...and this is your goal.
I'm sure there are all kinds of methods, but here is what worked for me. Again, I'm not an expert and I am not claiming to be one. Check with your pediatrician before you do any form of sleep training.
When your baby wakes up and starts fussing or crying, WAIT 5 minutes before entering their room or getting them from the crib. If they don't stop crying, quietly go to their crib/room and without turning on any lights or lifting them up, gently pat their bottom or rub their belly and whisper sweet nothings ("Mommy's here, time to go night night" -- you get the idea). Leave the room within 30 SECONDS. If they keep crying, wait another 5 minutes and then do the exact same thing. If they keep crying, wait 10 minutes this time and then go in and do the same thing. If they keep crying, wait 15 mintues this time and then go in and do the same thing. Repeat in 15 minute increments until they fall asleep. Babies vary, and some babies will fall asleep within 15 minutes and others will take over an hour. The HARDEST part about this is that your baby may cry REALLY hard. This is in large part because they are used to different behavior (you nursing them or picking them up, etc.) and they are protesting. The reason to increase the intervals by 5 minutes in between each check in is so that they are given more and more time to try and sooth themselves. Although this process seems and feels entirely unnerving and cruel, a magical thing starts to happen. They start to learn to sooth themselves.
The typical timeframe for sleep training is 3 nights. But be prepared. Be prepared for screaming and crying. Be prepared to lose sleep, be stressed out and feel anxious. Be prepared to doubt and question what you're doing 1000 times. Be prepared for your partner/spouse to doubt what you're doing. Again, I'm not an expert (have I given that disclaimer enough now?!) If you have any concern/question if your baby is ready or this is the right thing to do, ask your pediatrician, read some books or Google sleep training. You will be assured that most experts are on the same page about this. One last thing. Don't start and stop. Now that's cruel and it sends mixed messages to your baby. If you're gonna do it, commit to 3 nights and do the exact same thing every single night.
GOOD LUCK!
Ok new Moms, listen up. I am no expert, but having had success with getting TWO babies to sleep through the night, you may want to hear what I have to say. The #1 question I hear new Moms asking is, "Is your baby sleeping through the night?" This is both a measurement tool and a sign of desperation. It's a measurement tool because new Moms are always comparing their babies to other people's babies to see how well their babies are doing. And it's a sign of desperation because what new Mom (or any Mom for that matter) isn't desperate to get a good night's sleep?! Yet, we can't do that when we have a baby waking up every hour.
Just last weekend I was at a party with a bunch of parents. I was telling one Mom how I got my 5 month old daughter to sleep through the night. As soon as I mentioned "sleep training" I heard the silent eye rolls around me. This Mom was quick to respond that her 8 month old daughter still wants to breastfeed all night. Of course I didn't say this, but what baby doesn't want to feed all night? That's why it's called sleep TRAINING. Yes, some people are blessed with babies that just sleep through the night without any kind of training at all. But most babies have to learn how to sleep through the night. Why? From the time they are infants, babies wake up in the middle of the night out of necessity to feed. And you have either given your baby a bottle or a breast, or both. This is a nutritional necessity, but it also teaches a certain kind of behavior. The message is, wake up and you will be comforted, and then you can go back to sleep. So, actually, babies learn to rely on breastfeeding or the bottle to comfort themselves, and in many cases, to fall asleep. The challenge this presents for the parent is -- what happens when the baby no longer NEEDS the feeding because of their age and weight (most experts agree that after 4 months and 14 pounds, babies don't need a night feeding - but check with your Pediatrician for clearance on your baby), but your baby is still waking up? How do you get them back to sleep?
This is where self-soothing comes in. And this is the REAL reason to do sleep training. Infact, the term "sleep training" should be replaced with the term "self soothing training". Babies need to learn how to self sooth. Whether you swear by the Sleep Easy Solution, the Baby Whisperer, or Weissbluth's Healthy Sleep Habits for Happy Baby (these are all great books by the way), all the experts agree that babies need to learn to self sooth. And, unfortunately, learning to self sooth sometimes involves a little bit of crying...and, in some cases, a lot of crying -- hence the term "the cry it out method". Imagine if you were given something to eat everytime you got upset, and then all of a sudden you got upset and no one gave you anything to eat. You'd have to find some other way to sooth yourself - something you could do for YOURSELF. Most babies will end up sucking on a thumb, fingers, a pacifier, a blanket, or like my daughter, their feet. It doesn't matter what it is, if they can do it themselves, for themselves, they are self soothing...and this is your goal.
I'm sure there are all kinds of methods, but here is what worked for me. Again, I'm not an expert and I am not claiming to be one. Check with your pediatrician before you do any form of sleep training.
When your baby wakes up and starts fussing or crying, WAIT 5 minutes before entering their room or getting them from the crib. If they don't stop crying, quietly go to their crib/room and without turning on any lights or lifting them up, gently pat their bottom or rub their belly and whisper sweet nothings ("Mommy's here, time to go night night" -- you get the idea). Leave the room within 30 SECONDS. If they keep crying, wait another 5 minutes and then do the exact same thing. If they keep crying, wait 10 minutes this time and then go in and do the same thing. If they keep crying, wait 15 mintues this time and then go in and do the same thing. Repeat in 15 minute increments until they fall asleep. Babies vary, and some babies will fall asleep within 15 minutes and others will take over an hour. The HARDEST part about this is that your baby may cry REALLY hard. This is in large part because they are used to different behavior (you nursing them or picking them up, etc.) and they are protesting. The reason to increase the intervals by 5 minutes in between each check in is so that they are given more and more time to try and sooth themselves. Although this process seems and feels entirely unnerving and cruel, a magical thing starts to happen. They start to learn to sooth themselves.
The typical timeframe for sleep training is 3 nights. But be prepared. Be prepared for screaming and crying. Be prepared to lose sleep, be stressed out and feel anxious. Be prepared to doubt and question what you're doing 1000 times. Be prepared for your partner/spouse to doubt what you're doing. Again, I'm not an expert (have I given that disclaimer enough now?!) If you have any concern/question if your baby is ready or this is the right thing to do, ask your pediatrician, read some books or Google sleep training. You will be assured that most experts are on the same page about this. One last thing. Don't start and stop. Now that's cruel and it sends mixed messages to your baby. If you're gonna do it, commit to 3 nights and do the exact same thing every single night.
GOOD LUCK!
TEXT ME MOMMY
As I sit here on my MAC Notebook, which is on my desk, in front of my MAC Desktop…and next to me sits my Blackberry Bold (or is it the Tour, or the whatever-else-brands-they-have), I wonder if technology is a good thing or a bad thing? My to-do list is never done. I need a to-do list for my to-do list. I have so many iPhoto projects ½ done – books I have made on both iPhoto and Snapfish - photos I constantly debate whether to send to Flicker or Costco or just post on Facebook…so much technology, so many projects, so many decisions, so little time = nothing gets done. Who can keep up with it??!!!! And then my husband comes home and tells me he’s doing something (a “technology experiment” he calls it) called 4 square. He goes places (Starbucks, the gym, etc.) and “checks in”. Other people go places and “check in”, and it’s a way of god knows what (to let people you know, know where you are at all times??!!!!) Creepy! That is just WAY TO MUCH INFORMATION for people who have WAY TOO MUCH TIME.
Me? I’m just trying to write thank you notes. Remember those? I have thank you notes with my daughter’s name, thank you notes with my son’s name (oh, by the way, my daughter is 5 months and my son is 3 years – but, yes, they have personalized stationary) and thank you notes with my name, mine and my husband’s names…. No, I don’t have them with our dog’s names, but I may as well. I owe thank you notes for my son’s birthday (back in June), my daughter’s birth (further back than June), my birthday…I mean come on! Can’t someone call Amnesty on thank you card writing and give us all a break? I need UPS packages to send all my thank you notes because the same people are getting all of them! Or could I just send an email? No, that is where technology does not help. But you get my point. And some people wonder why they never get a phone call. Should they call my home phone, cellphone, text me, email me, Facebook me?! Bottom line is, they have to STALK me just to get in touch with me. There are so many ways to reach me, yet no way at all. I’m too damned busy doing nothing.
Ok, you guys get my point. Everyday I think to myself “I just want to be a Mom today. I want to be fully present for my kids”. And then something happens and takes me away from that moment. Welcome to our world. How many moms do you see at the park texting? Emailing? Forget talking on their cellphones. Now their fingers are doing the talking. And we don’t even REALIZE how this is effecting our kids. That’s the scary part. We always talk about how our kids are sponges. Well, guess what their little eyes are seeing 24/7? Mommies, Daddies and even illegal Nannies (I’m not trying to be politically incorrect here, just honest) completely engrossed in a world they know nothing about – because their world is all about the immediate. A ladybug crawling across the playground, a loud airplane flying through the sky, a leaf blowing in a tree, how their butt feels careening down a hot slide on a summer day…. Thank god for children. Thank god they remind us of the simple things. Things about life that have never changed and hopefully never will. Things you can’t text, email or post on Facebook…and things we adults, and parents in particular, desperately need to get back in touch with.
What were Moms like before cellphones? Have you ever thought about that? They must have played with their kids more, laughed more, appreciated more…maybe they even watched those ladybugs and leaves. If they weren’t distracted by technology….what were they doing at the park? Maybe being so involved with their kids, they felt like kids themselves.
Yesterday I was at the beach with my girlfriend. We were there with our two 3 year old sons. I was on my Blackberry (as I often am) and she was technology-free (ok, I’ll fall for the modern day trap of shortening something and making it sound so catchy – “T-FREE” – how’s that Brangelina??!!) What was she thinking-my friend-being T-FREE?! At one point she said, “Molly, look at the boys rolling in the sand!” and I lifted my head up for the cursory glance, and then back down to my phone. I think she was sending me a bigger message than that. “Molly, you are missing out on your son’s childhood, his gleeful exuberance.” And the message came through loud and clear and more rapid than a text message.
Me? I’m just trying to write thank you notes. Remember those? I have thank you notes with my daughter’s name, thank you notes with my son’s name (oh, by the way, my daughter is 5 months and my son is 3 years – but, yes, they have personalized stationary) and thank you notes with my name, mine and my husband’s names…. No, I don’t have them with our dog’s names, but I may as well. I owe thank you notes for my son’s birthday (back in June), my daughter’s birth (further back than June), my birthday…I mean come on! Can’t someone call Amnesty on thank you card writing and give us all a break? I need UPS packages to send all my thank you notes because the same people are getting all of them! Or could I just send an email? No, that is where technology does not help. But you get my point. And some people wonder why they never get a phone call. Should they call my home phone, cellphone, text me, email me, Facebook me?! Bottom line is, they have to STALK me just to get in touch with me. There are so many ways to reach me, yet no way at all. I’m too damned busy doing nothing.
Ok, you guys get my point. Everyday I think to myself “I just want to be a Mom today. I want to be fully present for my kids”. And then something happens and takes me away from that moment. Welcome to our world. How many moms do you see at the park texting? Emailing? Forget talking on their cellphones. Now their fingers are doing the talking. And we don’t even REALIZE how this is effecting our kids. That’s the scary part. We always talk about how our kids are sponges. Well, guess what their little eyes are seeing 24/7? Mommies, Daddies and even illegal Nannies (I’m not trying to be politically incorrect here, just honest) completely engrossed in a world they know nothing about – because their world is all about the immediate. A ladybug crawling across the playground, a loud airplane flying through the sky, a leaf blowing in a tree, how their butt feels careening down a hot slide on a summer day…. Thank god for children. Thank god they remind us of the simple things. Things about life that have never changed and hopefully never will. Things you can’t text, email or post on Facebook…and things we adults, and parents in particular, desperately need to get back in touch with.
What were Moms like before cellphones? Have you ever thought about that? They must have played with their kids more, laughed more, appreciated more…maybe they even watched those ladybugs and leaves. If they weren’t distracted by technology….what were they doing at the park? Maybe being so involved with their kids, they felt like kids themselves.
Yesterday I was at the beach with my girlfriend. We were there with our two 3 year old sons. I was on my Blackberry (as I often am) and she was technology-free (ok, I’ll fall for the modern day trap of shortening something and making it sound so catchy – “T-FREE” – how’s that Brangelina??!!) What was she thinking-my friend-being T-FREE?! At one point she said, “Molly, look at the boys rolling in the sand!” and I lifted my head up for the cursory glance, and then back down to my phone. I think she was sending me a bigger message than that. “Molly, you are missing out on your son’s childhood, his gleeful exuberance.” And the message came through loud and clear and more rapid than a text message.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
ABANDONED BY MY NANNY!!!
If you thought it hurt to be left by a boyfriend, try being abandoned by your Nanny!!! As many of you know who have Nannies, a good Nanny becomes a part of your family - an extenstion of yourself. And overtime, she becomes so invaluable to your family structure (and sanity), she seems almost invaluable and irreplaceable. This is all good and fine if your Nanny feels the same way - that you, too, are invaluable, irreplaceable and like family...but what if she doesn't??!! Or what if you thought she did and then one day she just up and leaves you with no explanation??? Welcome to my world!
When my son was 4 months old, I hit a wall. I was sleep deprived, depressed and needed a BREAK. I was his caretaker 24/7 - no family, no babysitters, no nannies, no baby nurses...just ME. I realized I needed to reach out and get some help or I was going to go crazy. I never understood why full time Moms had Nannies. I mean, isn't that your job if you're a full time Mom - to be a Mom FULL TIME? So, why get a Nanny? Well, the gap in my logic was that I didn't understand that I would also need time to MYSELF. I mean, who goes to their job 24/7?? Most people work a set schedule and then go home. They get OFF WORK and have time to themselves. As all of you know, there is no break to Motherhood. It's 24/7. Especially with a newborn, it is truly 24/7! So I came to understand why a full-time Mom would need a Nanny. You need time to yourself. Time to rest, time to recooperate, time to have lunch with a friend, get your nails done, go shopping or just SLEEP. And Moms greatly underestimate their need for this, and also, for some ungodly reason, don't think they DESERVE IT. Hello??? Is Motherhood not the HARDEST job you've ever done??? I mean, when I worked, I still had a ton of time to myself. Time on my morning commute to stop at Starbucks and get coffee, time to gab on the phone to my friends, time to listen to the radio and have uninterrupted thoughts....and then when I got to my office, I often had time to do personal calls and emails and go to lunch with a friend. Ok, now that I think about, working full time was a VACATION compared to Motherhood. Stopping at Starbucks?? Maybe not...how do I juggle my child and a hot cup of coffee?? Time to drive and gab on the phone or have interrupted thoughts? GUESS AGAIN! Time to do emails and personal calls?? HA!!!! You get my point. So, a full time Mom needs a break too. If she is gonna be the source of all caretaking for the child, she needs a little caretaking for herself too. So, that is my explanation for why, at 4 months, I hired a nanny for my son...even though I was a full time Mom.
The thing is, there is no rule book for being a Mom. Although we all like to think we know what's best, the truth is, what's best for you isn't best for everyone. As a Mom, you have to find out what works best for YOU. And for me, I needed balance. I needed time with my son, time to myself, and time to pursue my dreams (which for me meant a career in television). So, I hired a Nanny for two days a week - Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Our Nanny came recommended to us by our close friend's Nanny. Love those personal referrals. When she showed up, she was young, pretty and seemed very pleasant. Good people. She brought her daughter who was very cute. I can't remember if I had a good gut feeling about her or I just needed a warm body....but she had a good letter of recommendation (which I didn't call on), so I hired her on the spot.
As far as I can remember, I liked her from the start. Or at least I can't remember any real red flags. Thank you Mommy brain. I was keeping a log of my son's eating and sleeping habits and was also sleep training him at the time. She was extremely helpful in keeping the log and doing as I asked with the sleep training. And it wasn't easy. Our Nanny got to know me, my son and our system/schedule and a trust and comfort set in that I now had duplicated myself and had an extra set of helping hands with my son. I started to get a sense of myself back. I had time to myself and someone I trusted.
Over time, our Nanny really came to love our son. She would take so much pride in him - everything from how he was sleeping and eating to how she dressed him, bathed him and his funny behaviors. They had such a cute relationship. I would often watch and marvel at how cute they were together - careful to stay out of the way and not infringe on their relationship. I was never one of these hovering Moms who, regardless if the caretaker/Nanny is there, you are still doing everything. I believe in giving the caretaker space to figure some things out themselves.
It got to the point with my son where I honestly felt that our Nanny loved him as if he were her own...almost as much as we did (maybe as much as we did). But now I wonder if that was all some fantasy I had. Nonetheless, for two years, she was an integral part of our family and our son's life. They were best friends. He loved her and she loved him. We spent Xmas' together, helped her furnish her apartment, would often have her and her daughter for sleepovers and pancake breakfasts and even considered paying for an immigration attorney to get her citizenship.
The one thing I can say is that I NEVER took her for granted. I would always tell my husband how lucky we were to have her, how much I loved her and would brag about her constantly to friends and family - who also befriended her!!!
That is why the day she quit was so shocking and unsettling to me. I'll never forget it. I was in my first trimester of pregnancy with my 2nd child. It was a tough trimester. I was sick, tired and moody...and most days I could barely get through with my active Toddler son. Thank God for our Nanny. So we were down in the garage playing when she very indirectly and casually told me that her daughter had gotten into some trouble at school and that she knew of a lady who could take her place that I would really like. Whaattttttttt?????? It was the most bizarre form of quitting.
I questioned the extremity of her actions and she got very defensive and then shut down completely. In less than a week she was gone, replaced by her spanish speaking friend Sylvia. Sylvia was entirely pleasant, and entirely Spanish speaking. Luckily this presented less of a problem for my son then it did for me. They got along just fine because Sylvia quickly understood the universal language of "giddy up" as my son rode on her back and thrust her heels into her side. For this, she endeared herself to us immediately, but still, she was not our former Nanny. After three months with Sylvia, we were supposed to get our old Nanny back. She even joined us for Xmas again that year. But one day in January Sylvia showed up to work with the cellphone we had issued our old Nanny and said she was never coming back. And that's the last time we heard from her.
My husband has tried to explain to me on a number of occasions that people handle things differently and for whatever reason, this was the best way for her to handle quitting. The saddest part is, our Nanny obviously didn't realize how much she meant to us.
Now as I revisit this blog almost a year after this incident, we are back in touch with that old Nanny. She is in our life again, but more as a friend. We have a new Nanny now who I love and adore. But the lesson I learned from that whole incident is that I can rely on myself as a Mom 100%. As much as it was nice to have a Mom-backup in our Nanny, I found out that I am ok just by myself.
When my son was 4 months old, I hit a wall. I was sleep deprived, depressed and needed a BREAK. I was his caretaker 24/7 - no family, no babysitters, no nannies, no baby nurses...just ME. I realized I needed to reach out and get some help or I was going to go crazy. I never understood why full time Moms had Nannies. I mean, isn't that your job if you're a full time Mom - to be a Mom FULL TIME? So, why get a Nanny? Well, the gap in my logic was that I didn't understand that I would also need time to MYSELF. I mean, who goes to their job 24/7?? Most people work a set schedule and then go home. They get OFF WORK and have time to themselves. As all of you know, there is no break to Motherhood. It's 24/7. Especially with a newborn, it is truly 24/7! So I came to understand why a full-time Mom would need a Nanny. You need time to yourself. Time to rest, time to recooperate, time to have lunch with a friend, get your nails done, go shopping or just SLEEP. And Moms greatly underestimate their need for this, and also, for some ungodly reason, don't think they DESERVE IT. Hello??? Is Motherhood not the HARDEST job you've ever done??? I mean, when I worked, I still had a ton of time to myself. Time on my morning commute to stop at Starbucks and get coffee, time to gab on the phone to my friends, time to listen to the radio and have uninterrupted thoughts....and then when I got to my office, I often had time to do personal calls and emails and go to lunch with a friend. Ok, now that I think about, working full time was a VACATION compared to Motherhood. Stopping at Starbucks?? Maybe not...how do I juggle my child and a hot cup of coffee?? Time to drive and gab on the phone or have interrupted thoughts? GUESS AGAIN! Time to do emails and personal calls?? HA!!!! You get my point. So, a full time Mom needs a break too. If she is gonna be the source of all caretaking for the child, she needs a little caretaking for herself too. So, that is my explanation for why, at 4 months, I hired a nanny for my son...even though I was a full time Mom.
The thing is, there is no rule book for being a Mom. Although we all like to think we know what's best, the truth is, what's best for you isn't best for everyone. As a Mom, you have to find out what works best for YOU. And for me, I needed balance. I needed time with my son, time to myself, and time to pursue my dreams (which for me meant a career in television). So, I hired a Nanny for two days a week - Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Our Nanny came recommended to us by our close friend's Nanny. Love those personal referrals. When she showed up, she was young, pretty and seemed very pleasant. Good people. She brought her daughter who was very cute. I can't remember if I had a good gut feeling about her or I just needed a warm body....but she had a good letter of recommendation (which I didn't call on), so I hired her on the spot.
As far as I can remember, I liked her from the start. Or at least I can't remember any real red flags. Thank you Mommy brain. I was keeping a log of my son's eating and sleeping habits and was also sleep training him at the time. She was extremely helpful in keeping the log and doing as I asked with the sleep training. And it wasn't easy. Our Nanny got to know me, my son and our system/schedule and a trust and comfort set in that I now had duplicated myself and had an extra set of helping hands with my son. I started to get a sense of myself back. I had time to myself and someone I trusted.
Over time, our Nanny really came to love our son. She would take so much pride in him - everything from how he was sleeping and eating to how she dressed him, bathed him and his funny behaviors. They had such a cute relationship. I would often watch and marvel at how cute they were together - careful to stay out of the way and not infringe on their relationship. I was never one of these hovering Moms who, regardless if the caretaker/Nanny is there, you are still doing everything. I believe in giving the caretaker space to figure some things out themselves.
It got to the point with my son where I honestly felt that our Nanny loved him as if he were her own...almost as much as we did (maybe as much as we did). But now I wonder if that was all some fantasy I had. Nonetheless, for two years, she was an integral part of our family and our son's life. They were best friends. He loved her and she loved him. We spent Xmas' together, helped her furnish her apartment, would often have her and her daughter for sleepovers and pancake breakfasts and even considered paying for an immigration attorney to get her citizenship.
The one thing I can say is that I NEVER took her for granted. I would always tell my husband how lucky we were to have her, how much I loved her and would brag about her constantly to friends and family - who also befriended her!!!
That is why the day she quit was so shocking and unsettling to me. I'll never forget it. I was in my first trimester of pregnancy with my 2nd child. It was a tough trimester. I was sick, tired and moody...and most days I could barely get through with my active Toddler son. Thank God for our Nanny. So we were down in the garage playing when she very indirectly and casually told me that her daughter had gotten into some trouble at school and that she knew of a lady who could take her place that I would really like. Whaattttttttt?????? It was the most bizarre form of quitting.
I questioned the extremity of her actions and she got very defensive and then shut down completely. In less than a week she was gone, replaced by her spanish speaking friend Sylvia. Sylvia was entirely pleasant, and entirely Spanish speaking. Luckily this presented less of a problem for my son then it did for me. They got along just fine because Sylvia quickly understood the universal language of "giddy up" as my son rode on her back and thrust her heels into her side. For this, she endeared herself to us immediately, but still, she was not our former Nanny. After three months with Sylvia, we were supposed to get our old Nanny back. She even joined us for Xmas again that year. But one day in January Sylvia showed up to work with the cellphone we had issued our old Nanny and said she was never coming back. And that's the last time we heard from her.
My husband has tried to explain to me on a number of occasions that people handle things differently and for whatever reason, this was the best way for her to handle quitting. The saddest part is, our Nanny obviously didn't realize how much she meant to us.
Now as I revisit this blog almost a year after this incident, we are back in touch with that old Nanny. She is in our life again, but more as a friend. We have a new Nanny now who I love and adore. But the lesson I learned from that whole incident is that I can rely on myself as a Mom 100%. As much as it was nice to have a Mom-backup in our Nanny, I found out that I am ok just by myself.
Friday, January 22, 2010
THE EVOLVING MOM
So, I have been blogging lately about being a Bad Mom. By Bad Mom I don’t mean that I’m REALLY a bad Mom. I don’t abuse or neglect my child or anything like that. But there are plenty of days when I size myself up and just plain don’t MEASURE UP. I constantly tell myself I should be playing with my son more – heck, I should WANT to play with my son more – that I should have more patience and more desire to “just” be a Mom. These THOUGHTS are what make me feel like a Bad Mom. Cuz “Good” Moms always want to play with their kids, and do it often, have an abundance of patience and are always in healthy communication with their child (ie. Not yelling or loosing it…or crying infront of their kid BECAUSE of their kid…which I’ve done a couple times lately)…. You get my drift. It’s the Good Mom vs. Bad Mom wars. And the 64,000 question is…what makes a good Mom anyway and who’s to judge? Some days I wish there were some all powerful Oz watching over me and announcing in an ominous voice “You were a Bad Mom today”….or “You were a Good Mom today” so I wouldn’t have to constantly wonder. I’d have some way to measure. But lately I’ve been feeling like I’m actually a pretty good Mom. Now, this could be because my son is not acting out as much (I barely survived the past couple months of terrible two terrorist torture- you know the 4 T’s – don’t ya Moms?!) But my son is easier now, communicates more, OBEYS more and therefore, I am a better Mom. I love how that works. He’s not a better kid, I’m a better Mom. And, I’m pregnant, in my second trimester, so I’m in this state of nesting bliss. Even my husband said “You’re always in a good mood”. Now, if you only knew how out of the ordinary that is. I mean, those words would typically NEVER come out of his mouth! So maybe it’s pregnancy hormones, but lately I don’t really feel right calling myself a Bad Mom. So, this made me starting thinking about WHAT kind of Mom I am (cuz I need a label, ya know?!) And I got to thinking about how I’ve evolved as a Mom. I started out feeling like I needed to break out of prison. I couldn’t even be home all day with my newborn without leaving the house. I didn’t have a job, but I would pretend I was on maternity leave to trick myself that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. An escape hatch to Motherhood. Almost the entire first year of my son’s life I would have a conversation going on in my head – while I was at the park, while I was changing my son’s diaper, while I was feeding my son, while I was having sex with my husband (ok, not then….just wanted to make sure you were paying attention)…. And the conversation would go something like “This is not enough. I can’t believe this is what you’re doing with your life. This is ALL you’re doing. You should be doing more. You’re wasting yourself/your life.” I don’t want my kids to read this one day and think I regreted having them or being a Mom. It wasn’t about that at all. I loved my son dearly (and still do, even after his terrible two’s)… It was about me EVOLVING into this identity of full time Mom. Before I had kids, I was 100% career driven. That defined me. Ever since I graduated college I was like a race horse looking for a track. Money driven, success driven, power driven, you name it. I was in several different industries and was on a constant search for that “thing” I was meant to do with my life. I always knew I wanted to have kids, but I never dreamed of or planned on being a “stay at home Mom”. In fact, I wondered how someone could be happy doing that. I guess I always imagined being a working Mom. Truth is, I didn’t have a plan. But as fate would have it, I was working in the Mortgage industry before I got married, and after a 3 year run and 1 million dollars later (I got in when the going was GOOD), I lost my job and discovered I was never passionate about it in the first place. Then, an unexpected turn of events! My husband and I got married on The Today Show. That is a WHOLE other story – see Today Show Throws a Wedding BLOG – and I quit the mortgage business and never looked back. After our Today Show Wedding, I decided to pursue my long term dream of being a television personality. I was going to be the next Oprah! Now I know better (visit my How I Became A TV Host BLOG). But the unexpected twist in THAT plan was getting pregnant. Yup, after 37 years of trying NOT to get pregnant, I didn’t know if I could. So I never thought that the first time would be the charm. But sure enough, in the comfort of the Club Quarters hotel in New York, and during the Today Show Wedding competition, my husband and I conceived our first child, Hudson. We didn’t know I was pregnant until after the wedding and honeymoon (maybe my son is a thrill seeker because I bungee jumped from 400+feet with him in my womb on our honeymoon!)… So, my plans of getting an agent and a TV gig were temporarily put on hold. But I did find Marki Costello’s hosting school and began building my craft as a TV host. But I disgress, this whole blog is about EVOLVING. And, really, how I evolved from a hard core career person to a stay at home Mom. Because, for me anyway, Motherhood is a constant state of evolution. Some might say it’s an attempt to achieve balance, but what’s that? As soon as you have balance, something changes, and you’re out of balance again. So I don’t strive to have balance. I strive to evolve, to keep evolving, and to roll with and adapt to the evolution. At first I couldn’t imagine being a stay home Mom. Then I grew into it and developed an appreciation for it, and learned what I needed to do to be true to myself in the process (continuing to pursue my dream of being on TV). Then I got my body back and my energy back and I felt like my old self again, wanting to do the things my “old self” did – the pre-Mommy me. And then I got pregnant again. Back to the drawing board. Now I once again am redefining myself and my purpose. I can’t drink, I can’t dance on tabletops, I can’t run a marathon. I have a baby growing in my body. I have lost a sense of self, but I am gaining a much better part of myself – a new child. And I know the day will come again when I will have my body back (to myself) and feel like my old self again…and I’m sure I’ll have to go through several iterations of evolution before that happens. And that’s ok. Like I said, Evolution.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
WHINES, SCREAMS, CRIES....OH MY!!!!!
Not to sound melodramatic, but my son broke me tonight. He broke my spirit, and I snapped. I was out all day doing last minute Xmas errands and came home to a happy child and a clean house. Ahhh, nirvana. We had to take the nanny to the bus, which always drives me nuts, especially after driving around all day. The last thing I want to do is have to put my son in the car seat and drive to the bus in rush hour traffic. But, hey, I should be thankful I have a car and can drive right? Afterall, she’s taking the bus. It’s a feat getting my son to do ANYthing these days. Eat. Get dressed. Change a diaper. Leave the house. Get into the car. If we go to a playdate and there’s a movie, he throws a tantrum if we have to leave. He whines and screams and cries to get what he wants – movie, airplane park, climb a tree, not wanting to get out of the car seat, and god forbid I undue his carseat. God forbid I move his stool for him so he can climb on his diaper changing table. God forbid I move the diaper caddy out of the way. He has to put everything back so HE CAN DO IT. ME DO IT!!!!!!!! I thought he would want to see Santa, but even that was not enough to motivate him to change his diaper and clothes without a fuss, which turned into a full blown tantrum because we did not have jellybeans at his disposal (an earlier tactic I tried out as a means of getting him to change his diapers that is now dominating my life). Needless to day, I could use a cocktail right now….scratch that, let’s go straight to shots.
TERRIBLE TWO'S ANYONE?!
I’d be lying if I said I’d like my son to stay 2.5 forever. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I get he’s going to grow up and leave me and I’m going to cry over these “golden” years – forgetting all the screaming, crying, temper tantrums, power struggles….just wanting to scream “Shut the F--- UP!” to him in the back seat of the car –-but for now, I am looking forward to that next stage of more self control, more listening, greater COMPLIANCE. We took my son to a dog wash tonight, thinking it’d be a fun family thing to do. My son is so into helping with EVERYTHING – everything we don’t WANT him helping with – cooking eggs over a hot stove, sweeping our already swept pile of dirt (or shall I say UNsweeping it), etc. So I thought for sure he’d love the dog wash. It didn’t take long for the power washer to overtake him when he decided he was bored and needed other stimulation – outside of the confines of the doggy wash bin. His first stop – the miniature dog coral. Of course he wanted to go in there and be with those little yappers and was insisting I lift him up to see over the fence (hard to do when you’re trying to blowdry your dog’s butthole at the same time) Thank god for the sweet dog wash girl with the stepping stool. Then there were the coffee table books. Were those for sale??!!!! Cuz no one’s gonna buy them now! And then there were the dog collars. Not the cool, chunky ones you’d put on a REAL dog….but the little pom pom things (are you kidding ME?!) that go on Pommeranians (sorry, you’re cute, but those COLLARS?!) Soon enough my son’s opinion of them was clear by how they were scattered all over the dog wash floor. So, needless to say, it made me think about-scratch that-fantasize about-the day when Hudson is just a little more tame. Will there ever be such a day?
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