RANDOM ACTS OF BONDING

RANDOM ACTS OF BONDING

Motherhood is not all bad, and I’m not really a bad Mom. You know that saying “Life happens when you’re planning it?” What I’ve learned is that Motherhood happens when you aren’t trying to be a good Mom. It’s the moments in between the moments. We think it’s the times when we make sure our children eat well, take a good nap, have plenty of play time and social interaction and we teach them the alphabet. But what I’ve learned is it’s probably not those times. They’ll get all that in school and life regardless of how neurotic we are about it. What they can’t get in school in life is the precious moments we share with them. The unexpected, unplanned moments….the RANDOM ACTS OF BONDING that happen when we least expect them. The moments between the moments. I just had one tonight. It’s Christmas time and my husband calls it the Mollidays. Needless to say, I go a little crazy this time of year. It’s as if the whole year is leading up to this one month for me. My focus today was on getting the Christmas tree, hanging decorations and getting everything just right. Of course I was yelling at my son for playing with my ornaments and wanting to help me decorate the tree. Well, not really yelling at him, but at the very least, caring more about getting my decorations just right than letting him contribute to the process. BAD MOM! At the end of the day, I was so tired. Not tired from playing with my son and giving him my undivided attention, but tired from the Mollidays and my overzealous decorating. I could barely wait for my son to go to sleep, like the end of most days. Infact, I wanted a break so bad that when I put him in the bath, I slipped into the next room to watch Entertainment Tonight. Ok, I may be a bad Mom at times, but I’m not negligent. I could see him in the reflection of my bathroom mirror, and I was just in the adjoining bedroom. But nonetheless, I basked in entertainment news and gossip – the latest upate on how many women Tiger Woods cheated on his wife with and how much she was increasing her prenup demands to (good stuff!) while my son bathed. All I could think while I was doing this was “my nanny, who gives my son her 24/7 undivided attention, would like this bordered on child abuse” I could just hear her thoughts (and my own judgement on myself, really)….Look at that adorable boy, all alone in the tub, while his Mother just neglects him. Did I mention my Nanny’s a better Mom than me? Anyway, my son crawled out of the tub and my break and temporary entertainment fix came to an abrupt end. I took him downstairs and tried to get him in pajamas. The operative word here – TRIED. No luck and I didn’t feel like chasing him down, so I went in the other room to see if I could get him to eat dinner. Probably not since I filled him up on snacks earlier just to distract him while doing my Christmas decorating. So, in all my avoiding-being-a-Mom moments, they all added up to the most important moment of all. My son ran out of his room, naked, to find me in the kitchen. He had with him a basketball –an early Xmas present he gave to himself (you try keeping toys away from a 2 year old). I don’t know what got into me – perhaps a moment of presence – of actually wanting to be a Mom, but I got down on the ground and starting playing ball with my son. We started out rolling the ball back and forth. Then we starting throwing it to each other. Then I started showing him some basketball tricks (I tried out for the team but never made it). I showed him dribbling and tossing the ball in the air and catching it. He excitedly mimicking everything I did. I’d do it and pass the ball to him and he’d do it. He’d say “You’re turn”! And I’d go next and so on. I sat there, across from my son, and the exchange between us was so mutual and so gratifying. Me watching him copy everything I did, try new things, learn new things….me just reveling in him…. Now, that’s what Motherhood is ALL about.

AM I A BAD MOM?!

Am I bad Mom??
I’m pregnant with my second child. This is something I really wanted. My husband and I tried to get pregnant for six months. I used everything – pee sticks, fertility monitor and I practically forced my husband to have sex with me when I was ovulating. I DID force my husband to have sex with me when I was ovulating. Heck, I forced MYSELF. Show me a Mom out there that WANTS to have sex! : ) Ok, my neighbor Jeannine doesn’t count. Then two of my close girlfriends got pregnant and they were all giddy about it. I was so happy for them, but sad for myself. I was worried I couldn’t get pregnant again. I got pregnant so easily with my first child (the first try!), but I was 3 years younger and I’m 40 now! I had heard stories of women saying they had their first right away and it took them 2 years to get pregnant again. I was anxious about my children being too far apart in age. Looking back, all this worry was so silly! Not because I got pregnant but because it was ridiculous I was counting the months that were passing as if 1-2 months difference was actually going to dramatically alter the closeness between my two children. Almost immediately after my two close friends announced they were pregnant, they announced they miscarried. BOTH of them. And then I got pregnant. So now I’ve gotten what I want and I’m really having a hard time with it. Not the idea of being pregnant, just BEING pregnant. At first I felt fantastic, to the point I was boasting about it. I don’t even feel pregnant! Infact, I feel like I have MORE energy! And then it hit. Around 6 weeks. Like a ton of bricks. From six weeks on I feel sick, nauseous, exhausted, MOODY….downright depressed at times. I was discontent with everything – didn’t want to be a Mom, didn’t like my house….evertying had this distaste to it – food, life, people. I holed up and hid out. I didn’t feel like being social. It was all I could do to take care of my son and make it to nap. And after nap seemed like forever until my husband got home to take over. I couldn’t be around food and still can’t. I know this is all part of it, but right now I really don’t like being pregnant. I’m not excited. I’m just slogging through it. One day, sometimes one activity at a time. I told my husband I feel like sitting in an air conditioned skybox and watching my life, not participating in it. I don’t feel emotion for things – highs and lows. I just feel neutral or bad. The joy is not there right now. I have fleeting moments of feeling. Like pride when I watched my son take his swim lesson or eat dinner with us at a sushi restaurant…. But overall I just feel a bit dead inside.

BEING A MOM IS HARD WORK!

You don’t need an expert to tell you that being a mom is hard work. And I don’t just mean how much WORK it is – diapering, feeding, cleaning, etc. Did you ever stop to think what it would be like to take care of another person’s every need? I mean, EVERY need? Down to scooping their poop on a daily basis? I think when most woman fantasize about Motherhood they think about all the cute things. How cute their baby will be, how good it will feel to love someone other than yourself (ha), how cute all the baby clothes and things are and how cute your nursery will be….it is largely a blown out narcissistic fantasy. Trust me, awaiting moms don’t sit around and fantasize about diaper changing, sleepless nights, months of sleep deprivation, frumpiness, lack of sleep and sex, loss of identity and the abundance of patience and self sacrafice that parenting takes. I certainly didn’t know until I became a parent myself. Now, let’s face it, a lot of Moms just can’t handle it. And they know it. I have friends that say “I could NEVER be a full time Mom.” Kudos to them. They know what they need. And anyone who thinks they should feel ashamed, shame on you. Why can’t a woman want a child, want to be a Mom, but also want a life outside of being a Mom. Where does it say that every Mom has to be a full time Mom to be a good Mom? It would be interesting to do a hidden camera inside a full time Mom’s house and a part time Mom’s house and see how has more patience, more attention span for their child, more presence, more appreciation? Afterall, do children just need you there or do they need the best you they can get when you are there? It’s an age old question.

I'M A "GOOD ENOUGH" MOM...AND THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH

I am starting a new blog called "Am I Bad Mom?" (amiabadmom.com). The reason I'm starting this is because every day, at least once a day, I ask myself that question. Am I bad Mom because..... Because I don't want to be a Mom today. Because I don't want to be a Mom right now. Because I don't want to go to the park today. Because I don't want to play trains right now. Because I don't want to read right now. Because I'm tired and impatient and want to crawl in bed. The list goes on.

I read an article in a magazine that talked about the idea of being a "good enough Mom" and how we drive ourselves crazy with this idea of perfection - being the perfect Mom. Perfectly patient. Perfectly loving. Perfectly tolerant. Perfectly PRESENT. The article pointed out that being a "good enough Mom", which was defined as being at your best just 30% of time, was good enough. Really????? Whew!!!!! I can shoot for 30%. It made me realize that part of my discontent with being a full time Mom is the feeling that I have to be perfect 100% of the time. I just don't think that's possible for me and I guess that's ok.

I am person too. It's ok that I don't find playing trains, playing at the park, reading books and collecting rocks all that fulfilling 100% of the time. I love my son, but I have other interests and aspirations, or maybe I just want to do nothing and zone out. Why am I always judging myself?

IT'S OK TO FIGHT WITH YOUR HUSBAND...WHO KNEW?

Yesterday my husband and I got in a fight. Our first big fight in awhile. I was taking great pride in the fact that I lost count since our last big one. For awhile it was, 'yeah, we made it a week!"...then that graduated to "yeah, we made it a month"....so you can only imagine my job when I lost count! Not that my husband and I fought all the time, we didn't. But when we did fight, it would feel soooo bad afterwards. I would have such a strong distaste for my husband and I would feel so guilty that we had this beautiful child yet our own relationship was so tainted. Luckily I haven't had those feelings in awhile. But yesterday we fell back on our sword. The irony of it all is that we were on our way home from our aniversary weekend (of course, right?). We had gone away to Ojai Valley Inn and Spa (heaven!) for the weekend. We were gone Friday-Sunday. Our son was home with his nanny and we had no worries in the world. We had a glorious weekend of relaxing, pampering and non-parenting. Am I bad Mom because I LOVED that? Anyway! All weekend long we didn't have a single hiccup - well, I guess we had one, but we ended up laughing it off. Hoorah! So there we are driving home. I am half asleep, feeling a bit sick (I'm pregnant), when my husband asks the question that sets the whole thing off. "What are we doing about the roof?" Just out of nowhere I'm jolted out of my dream-like sleep. I immediately get irritated with him because this is a question and topic we've discussed many times before. The roof he's referring to is the roof in our sons room that leaks. I had gotten a bid on it and my roofer determined the leak was coming from the overhang. So here we were again, discussing the same thing we've discussed at least two times before. I'm giving my husband the same information I did before and he's doing exactly what he did before - debating me about the information. Yes, I was the messenger getting shot. In short, he didn't agree with the roofers diagnosis. I blew up. I blew up for a couple reasons. One, we've had this conversation before. Two, I 'm just the messenger. If you don't like the information I'm giving you, get another opinion. So of course when I blew up, he blew up and before you knew it we were back in familiar territory - yelling at each other and on the verge of throwing "nuclears" (things you say that you absolutely regret afterwards). Luckily after launching a couple nuclears we clearned the battlefield and just resorted to silent huffing and puffing and shaking of our heads. Finally, my husband dared to speak. And guess what we said? "Ok, I know I'm going to regret this, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm about to lob a bomb." I told him not to, practically begged him not to. I knew the mood I was in. But he did it anyway. I can't even remember what he said, but it wasn't that bad at all. I thought he was going to say something to utterly dessimate my character. I guess my husband's a better man than that. We ended up coming to some sort of resolution about the roof so when we pulled up to our house after our glorious aniversary weekend, and to reunite with our beautiful son, we weren't on the verge of divorce.

Later that afternoon I just happened to stumble up an article in O (Oprah) Magazine. The magazine has been on my nightstand for about a year, promising to be read, but never had been until now. Fate? The article I turned to was about marriage and relationhips and how we make the mistake of making "attunement" our goal. It went on to say that marriages and relationships have conflict and conflict (and anger) are healhty...that it's all a matter of how you deal with it and how you recover. Can you believe the timing of that? Here I feel as though if my husband and I fight, we are "less than" other couples who seem to be in complete harmony. When in reality, it's ok to fight. Who knew? I ripped out the article and of course, put it on my husband's bedside table. ; )

WHO SAID PREGNANCY IS SEXY?

I went to the Mall today, something I try to avoid doing as a full time Mom, just because I find it kind of depressing. Anything that seems cliche to do as a full time Mom I sort of avoid (because I'm always in denial that I have nothing better to do). But today seemed like a good day. It was overcast and "wintery" out and it seemed fun to peruse the stores in search of something new to pep up the house or something we had to have for the holidays. It's also a great little mall for Hudson to run around. After an hour of puttering around, the trip didn't prove to be all that inspiring. Maybe because I'm pregnant and didn't want to buy anything for my overgrowing self. Which brings me to the real topic of today's blog. Right now I don't want to be pregnant. I mean, I do. I want to have another child. I want to expand our family. I want to give Hudson a sibling. All that is good. I just don't want to be pregnant. And the funny thing is, before I was pregnant, I couldn't wait to be pregnant again. The grass is always greener. But seriously, the first trimester really sucks. I am sick, tired, moody and just overall have a sense of feeling "down". It's like there's this malaise over everything that just makes me feel mildly discontent about everything. And I can't bother buying something cute to make me feel sexy and whole, because I'm only going to get bigger. So here I am, roaming the mall in some faded, stretched out sweat pants, a white tank top and my Uggs boots - feeling like crap, looking like crap, but not feeling inspired to do anything about it. Who said Pregancy is sexy anyway?

I NEED A BREAK!

This morning I took a walk on the beach with my son. One of my biggest struggles as a Mom is figuring out how I’m going to keep myself and Hudson entertained all day. It’s the difference between going to a job you know is going to be slow and boring and going to a job that is fast paced and full of purpose. I feel as though I always need to add this disclaimer, I LOVE MY SON. But does that mean I have to love being a full time Mom? I am a high energy person that thrives off production, creativity and “doing”. I have worked hard in the first couple years of Hudson’s (my son’s) life to conquer that and just be ok “being”. I’ve done pretty well – I’ve survived two years and 4 months. But it’s getting to me lately. Maybe because I’m pregnant and have morning sickness and don’t have the same pep as I did before….maybe because Summer’s over and everyone is going back to school except for us… Plus, it doesn’t help that my nanny just quit. Although she only comes 2x/week, that was my reprieve. My time to myself. My time to not have to entertain someone else or be at someone’s beckon call. Does this sound awful? I LOVE MY SON. I just know myself and I know on the days when I get a break, time to myself or have something “going on”, I feel much more alive and energetic. And then there’s the whole homemaker thing. I am not cut out to be a homemaker. Don’t get me wrong, I love to entertain decorate, arrange flowers and organize (to name a few), but I don’t like being a slave to it day in and day out and not having a choice about it. I’m smart, creative, high energy…I’m capable of so much. I hate that when I’m with my son I’m often not 100% present. I’m often thinking about how this isn’t for me. I want to be with my son, but I want moderation, balance and other stimulation. So, I’ve said that enough now. So, what am I doing about it???

WHAT WOULD I CHANGE ABOUT MY OWN CHILDHOOD?

Raising a child makes you think constantly about the way you were raised. There were things about my childhood that I consider very idyllic and things I consider extremely less than idyllic.

Things that I would emulate…

Growing up in a tight knit neighborhood where kids and parents are friends and there are traditions like Halloween trick or treating…all the kids playing together, riding bikes together, using the neighborhood and surrounding area as their playground.

Less than idyllic…parents divorced…no memories of living with mommy and daddy…no memories of mommy being home and playing with mommy and being with neighborhood friends and mommies….sister handicapped…didn’t have a strong sibling to positively identify with……latch key kid..babysitters, tv kept me company. Felt bored, lonely, anxious, jealous…wanted to be where other kids were.

What I would do same.....things in moderation, things that are part of childhood…staying up late, watching tv, getting junk food now and then….giving kids freedom to “be kids”

What I will do for my child....

Be there for my son! Provide stable, safe, secure home life where he has memories of mommy and daddy and mommy and daddy are there for him. Give him that foundation for life. Help him to build his sense of security, sense of self and self esteem. He is worthy of love.

DO I NEED TO GET A LIFE??

Last week I went to a seminar about creating a Bucket List - you know, the things you want to do before you die. Is it sad that the only things I could think of were "Watch my kids grow up" and "Meet my grandchildren". I mean, is that what my life has become - living for my kids and not for myself. What about any hopes, dreams, aspirations I have/had outside of being a Mom. Traveling the world?...Heck, CONQUERING the world. No, forget it, I'm too tired. ; ) But I really had to think about and push my mind outside of the obvious comfort zone of just relying on my children for my fulfillment in life. What more do I want? Then I went and saw the movie Love Happens. In the movie a man loses his wife and loses his life. Meaning, he lost his purpose for life after his wife died. I cried and cried because part of me feels like I will lose my purpose for life if a child of mine dies. Should I be putting so much of my livelihood on my children and is it even possible not to? How can we, as Moms/parents, create a safety net so that our children are not our only sense of fulfillment? Ok, I sound pathetic here. I do have other interests - Yes! But you Moms know what I'm talking about.


I think Motherhood is a process where you do lose yourself for a certain period of time. Either you are pregnant, breast feeding, sleep deprived, chasing a Toddler, getting your kids to school - it is so kid-centric for a period of time that your "other identity" - your self other than being a Mom - does take a hit. But sooner or later you resurface and so do things about yourself you maybe forgot about - like working out, reading, traveling, etc.

We Moms just have to remember it's a process, and yes, Motherhood is the most selfless act of all...but we also have to honor ourselves as a person that also has needs, interests, dreams and desires and it's up to us not to forget those.

So, go make your bucket list and put a few things on there that have nothing to do with your kids. I dare you!!!

CDD - CONSTANT DISTRACTION DISORDER

Hudson and I were on the go from the 2^nd week of his little life. Now, by on the go, it’s not like I was dressing him up and sending him off to prep school. No! I would bundle him up safely and comfortably and put him in his car seat and put him in the comfort of our beautiful escalade and go for a car ride…sometimes a very long car ride. Looking back, I don’t think it was so much that Hudson was a newborn and didn’t like being in the car. I think it was that Hudson was a newborn and lived for eating and sleeping, both of which were disrupted by long periods of time in the car…which is why I often pulled over into random parking lots and neighborhoods to nurse him! The things you do!

It wasn’t until Hudson was 4 months old that I realized that flying by the seat of my pants wasn’t really working for either of us anymore. That’s when I got religion, and by religion I mean I put Hudson on a sleep and eat schedule and it changed our lives. ALL NEW MOMS LISTEN UP. If you don’t read any other blog of mine, read the one on sleep training. Bbecause if you’re like me or any other new Mom, you have serious sleep deprivation, ADD and CDD (constant-distraction-disorder…that one I made up!)

ATTENTION STAY AT HOME MOMS

I envy the women who were born to be stay-at-home Moms. And by stay-at-home, I mean, literally STAY AT HOME. There are women who are absolutely thrilled and 100% content to be at home with their babies and NOT GO ANYWHERE. I don’t know whether they are afraid to venture out with their newborn or they would just rather be in the comfort of their home. But for me, it was the opposite. If I were at home (in this case “home” was my in laws house) for 2 days in a row, I would start to have anxiety and go a little coo-coo (not for Coco Puffs). Mostly I would go coo-coo because I would feel as though I had nothing to do. HELLO, I was caring for a newborn. Isn’t that enough?! Well, apparently not for me! I felt I needed more. I look back and wish I could have relaxed into it more and just been happy being at home. But being a Type A, driven person I just felt that wasn’t enough. So, off we went, here and there, and I think that Hudson wasn’t happy about that. Maybe that’s why he hated the car. I remember running into my neighbor one day who adopted an infant about a year before I had Hudson. I told her about the running back and forth between the two houses and she said that in every culture she knew of it was advised that infants not leave the house for 6 weeks! Ok, I don’t know if she meant to make me feel bad, but I left her house feeling like a child abuser.

ATTENTION MOTHERS OF CRYING BABIES!

I don’t think there is any way to condition yourself to hear your baby cry. It’s not something you can prepare yourself for either, which is why there aren’t any “baby crying” self help CD’s on the market for new Moms. Sure, you’ve heard babies cry – on airplanes, in restaurants - but until it’s YOUR baby, it’s just white noise – something in the background so familiar to you, you don’t even hear it. Well, when it’s your baby, believe me, YOU HEAR IT. It is the most disturbing, distracting sound you’ve ever heard!!!!!! And unless you have one of those “perfect” babies – what are THOSE anyway??!! – your baby WILL cry. They will cry at first because they have no other way to express themselves. This is how they get their point across, and boy do they!

When my baby was first born, he would scream and cry bloody murder in the car. I KNOW, most babies fall asleep in the car. In fact, a lot of Moms go for car rides in order to put their babies to sleep. Well, not my baby. And the worst part about the car rides (from hell) is that we had to do so many of them. When Hudson was born, we were living with our in laws (that’s a whole different blog entry!) Our house was being remodeled and it wasn’t a suitable place to bring an infant home to. Very fortunately for us, we had somewhere else to go. But unfortunately for us, that somewhere else was far away. Our in laws lived about one hour from our house, without traffic. That’s an oxymoron since we live in LA – there is always traffic. So depending on what time of day we would commute between the two houses, the drive could take up to 1.5 to 2 hours. With a screaming infant in the backseat, you can only imagine the types of guns I fantasized about putting to my head on a bad day (that’s a joke by the way!)

Part of the reason we had to drive back and forth between the two houses so much was because I had to manage the remodel project and make sure everything was on track. The other reason why is because I had to get out of the house!

MY SON'S 2 YEAR BIRTHDAY - MURPHY'S LAW IN ACTION!

Have you ever heard of Murphy's Law? Sometimes I feel like that would be a great tagline for my life. Yesterday I threw a 2 year birthday for my son. I know, he won't remember it (or maybe he will), but it wasn't so much for HIM as it was to mark the passage of another year of his life, and to celebrate that with friends and family. Not that I need to justify myself! When I woke up yesterday morning it was overcast. I had hopes it would clear up, but it never did. Who knew you could have a great beach party whether the sun is shining or not. The reality is, kids can have fun wherever they are and whatever they're doing - the weather doesn't matter! The party went on for hours and as soon as all the kids cleared out, guess what? The sun came out! And sure enough, when I woke up this morning, it was a sunny, clear day. So, what did we do? We took our son to the beach and believe it or not, I had more fun in the couple hours I was at the beach with my son and just a few family members than I did the day before with 80 of our closest friends. You think I'd learn!