AM I A BAD MOM?!

Am I bad Mom??
I’m pregnant with my second child. This is something I really wanted. My husband and I tried to get pregnant for six months. I used everything – pee sticks, fertility monitor and I practically forced my husband to have sex with me when I was ovulating. I DID force my husband to have sex with me when I was ovulating. Heck, I forced MYSELF. Show me a Mom out there that WANTS to have sex! : ) Ok, my neighbor Jeannine doesn’t count. Then two of my close girlfriends got pregnant and they were all giddy about it. I was so happy for them, but sad for myself. I was worried I couldn’t get pregnant again. I got pregnant so easily with my first child (the first try!), but I was 3 years younger and I’m 40 now! I had heard stories of women saying they had their first right away and it took them 2 years to get pregnant again. I was anxious about my children being too far apart in age. Looking back, all this worry was so silly! Not because I got pregnant but because it was ridiculous I was counting the months that were passing as if 1-2 months difference was actually going to dramatically alter the closeness between my two children. Almost immediately after my two close friends announced they were pregnant, they announced they miscarried. BOTH of them. And then I got pregnant. So now I’ve gotten what I want and I’m really having a hard time with it. Not the idea of being pregnant, just BEING pregnant. At first I felt fantastic, to the point I was boasting about it. I don’t even feel pregnant! Infact, I feel like I have MORE energy! And then it hit. Around 6 weeks. Like a ton of bricks. From six weeks on I feel sick, nauseous, exhausted, MOODY….downright depressed at times. I was discontent with everything – didn’t want to be a Mom, didn’t like my house….evertying had this distaste to it – food, life, people. I holed up and hid out. I didn’t feel like being social. It was all I could do to take care of my son and make it to nap. And after nap seemed like forever until my husband got home to take over. I couldn’t be around food and still can’t. I know this is all part of it, but right now I really don’t like being pregnant. I’m not excited. I’m just slogging through it. One day, sometimes one activity at a time. I told my husband I feel like sitting in an air conditioned skybox and watching my life, not participating in it. I don’t feel emotion for things – highs and lows. I just feel neutral or bad. The joy is not there right now. I have fleeting moments of feeling. Like pride when I watched my son take his swim lesson or eat dinner with us at a sushi restaurant…. But overall I just feel a bit dead inside.

BEING A MOM IS HARD WORK!

You don’t need an expert to tell you that being a mom is hard work. And I don’t just mean how much WORK it is – diapering, feeding, cleaning, etc. Did you ever stop to think what it would be like to take care of another person’s every need? I mean, EVERY need? Down to scooping their poop on a daily basis? I think when most woman fantasize about Motherhood they think about all the cute things. How cute their baby will be, how good it will feel to love someone other than yourself (ha), how cute all the baby clothes and things are and how cute your nursery will be….it is largely a blown out narcissistic fantasy. Trust me, awaiting moms don’t sit around and fantasize about diaper changing, sleepless nights, months of sleep deprivation, frumpiness, lack of sleep and sex, loss of identity and the abundance of patience and self sacrafice that parenting takes. I certainly didn’t know until I became a parent myself. Now, let’s face it, a lot of Moms just can’t handle it. And they know it. I have friends that say “I could NEVER be a full time Mom.” Kudos to them. They know what they need. And anyone who thinks they should feel ashamed, shame on you. Why can’t a woman want a child, want to be a Mom, but also want a life outside of being a Mom. Where does it say that every Mom has to be a full time Mom to be a good Mom? It would be interesting to do a hidden camera inside a full time Mom’s house and a part time Mom’s house and see how has more patience, more attention span for their child, more presence, more appreciation? Afterall, do children just need you there or do they need the best you they can get when you are there? It’s an age old question.

I'M A "GOOD ENOUGH" MOM...AND THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH

I am starting a new blog called "Am I Bad Mom?" (amiabadmom.com). The reason I'm starting this is because every day, at least once a day, I ask myself that question. Am I bad Mom because..... Because I don't want to be a Mom today. Because I don't want to be a Mom right now. Because I don't want to go to the park today. Because I don't want to play trains right now. Because I don't want to read right now. Because I'm tired and impatient and want to crawl in bed. The list goes on.

I read an article in a magazine that talked about the idea of being a "good enough Mom" and how we drive ourselves crazy with this idea of perfection - being the perfect Mom. Perfectly patient. Perfectly loving. Perfectly tolerant. Perfectly PRESENT. The article pointed out that being a "good enough Mom", which was defined as being at your best just 30% of time, was good enough. Really????? Whew!!!!! I can shoot for 30%. It made me realize that part of my discontent with being a full time Mom is the feeling that I have to be perfect 100% of the time. I just don't think that's possible for me and I guess that's ok.

I am person too. It's ok that I don't find playing trains, playing at the park, reading books and collecting rocks all that fulfilling 100% of the time. I love my son, but I have other interests and aspirations, or maybe I just want to do nothing and zone out. Why am I always judging myself?

IT'S OK TO FIGHT WITH YOUR HUSBAND...WHO KNEW?

Yesterday my husband and I got in a fight. Our first big fight in awhile. I was taking great pride in the fact that I lost count since our last big one. For awhile it was, 'yeah, we made it a week!"...then that graduated to "yeah, we made it a month"....so you can only imagine my job when I lost count! Not that my husband and I fought all the time, we didn't. But when we did fight, it would feel soooo bad afterwards. I would have such a strong distaste for my husband and I would feel so guilty that we had this beautiful child yet our own relationship was so tainted. Luckily I haven't had those feelings in awhile. But yesterday we fell back on our sword. The irony of it all is that we were on our way home from our aniversary weekend (of course, right?). We had gone away to Ojai Valley Inn and Spa (heaven!) for the weekend. We were gone Friday-Sunday. Our son was home with his nanny and we had no worries in the world. We had a glorious weekend of relaxing, pampering and non-parenting. Am I bad Mom because I LOVED that? Anyway! All weekend long we didn't have a single hiccup - well, I guess we had one, but we ended up laughing it off. Hoorah! So there we are driving home. I am half asleep, feeling a bit sick (I'm pregnant), when my husband asks the question that sets the whole thing off. "What are we doing about the roof?" Just out of nowhere I'm jolted out of my dream-like sleep. I immediately get irritated with him because this is a question and topic we've discussed many times before. The roof he's referring to is the roof in our sons room that leaks. I had gotten a bid on it and my roofer determined the leak was coming from the overhang. So here we were again, discussing the same thing we've discussed at least two times before. I'm giving my husband the same information I did before and he's doing exactly what he did before - debating me about the information. Yes, I was the messenger getting shot. In short, he didn't agree with the roofers diagnosis. I blew up. I blew up for a couple reasons. One, we've had this conversation before. Two, I 'm just the messenger. If you don't like the information I'm giving you, get another opinion. So of course when I blew up, he blew up and before you knew it we were back in familiar territory - yelling at each other and on the verge of throwing "nuclears" (things you say that you absolutely regret afterwards). Luckily after launching a couple nuclears we clearned the battlefield and just resorted to silent huffing and puffing and shaking of our heads. Finally, my husband dared to speak. And guess what we said? "Ok, I know I'm going to regret this, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm about to lob a bomb." I told him not to, practically begged him not to. I knew the mood I was in. But he did it anyway. I can't even remember what he said, but it wasn't that bad at all. I thought he was going to say something to utterly dessimate my character. I guess my husband's a better man than that. We ended up coming to some sort of resolution about the roof so when we pulled up to our house after our glorious aniversary weekend, and to reunite with our beautiful son, we weren't on the verge of divorce.

Later that afternoon I just happened to stumble up an article in O (Oprah) Magazine. The magazine has been on my nightstand for about a year, promising to be read, but never had been until now. Fate? The article I turned to was about marriage and relationhips and how we make the mistake of making "attunement" our goal. It went on to say that marriages and relationships have conflict and conflict (and anger) are healhty...that it's all a matter of how you deal with it and how you recover. Can you believe the timing of that? Here I feel as though if my husband and I fight, we are "less than" other couples who seem to be in complete harmony. When in reality, it's ok to fight. Who knew? I ripped out the article and of course, put it on my husband's bedside table. ; )

WHO SAID PREGNANCY IS SEXY?

I went to the Mall today, something I try to avoid doing as a full time Mom, just because I find it kind of depressing. Anything that seems cliche to do as a full time Mom I sort of avoid (because I'm always in denial that I have nothing better to do). But today seemed like a good day. It was overcast and "wintery" out and it seemed fun to peruse the stores in search of something new to pep up the house or something we had to have for the holidays. It's also a great little mall for Hudson to run around. After an hour of puttering around, the trip didn't prove to be all that inspiring. Maybe because I'm pregnant and didn't want to buy anything for my overgrowing self. Which brings me to the real topic of today's blog. Right now I don't want to be pregnant. I mean, I do. I want to have another child. I want to expand our family. I want to give Hudson a sibling. All that is good. I just don't want to be pregnant. And the funny thing is, before I was pregnant, I couldn't wait to be pregnant again. The grass is always greener. But seriously, the first trimester really sucks. I am sick, tired, moody and just overall have a sense of feeling "down". It's like there's this malaise over everything that just makes me feel mildly discontent about everything. And I can't bother buying something cute to make me feel sexy and whole, because I'm only going to get bigger. So here I am, roaming the mall in some faded, stretched out sweat pants, a white tank top and my Uggs boots - feeling like crap, looking like crap, but not feeling inspired to do anything about it. Who said Pregancy is sexy anyway?

I NEED A BREAK!

This morning I took a walk on the beach with my son. One of my biggest struggles as a Mom is figuring out how I’m going to keep myself and Hudson entertained all day. It’s the difference between going to a job you know is going to be slow and boring and going to a job that is fast paced and full of purpose. I feel as though I always need to add this disclaimer, I LOVE MY SON. But does that mean I have to love being a full time Mom? I am a high energy person that thrives off production, creativity and “doing”. I have worked hard in the first couple years of Hudson’s (my son’s) life to conquer that and just be ok “being”. I’ve done pretty well – I’ve survived two years and 4 months. But it’s getting to me lately. Maybe because I’m pregnant and have morning sickness and don’t have the same pep as I did before….maybe because Summer’s over and everyone is going back to school except for us… Plus, it doesn’t help that my nanny just quit. Although she only comes 2x/week, that was my reprieve. My time to myself. My time to not have to entertain someone else or be at someone’s beckon call. Does this sound awful? I LOVE MY SON. I just know myself and I know on the days when I get a break, time to myself or have something “going on”, I feel much more alive and energetic. And then there’s the whole homemaker thing. I am not cut out to be a homemaker. Don’t get me wrong, I love to entertain decorate, arrange flowers and organize (to name a few), but I don’t like being a slave to it day in and day out and not having a choice about it. I’m smart, creative, high energy…I’m capable of so much. I hate that when I’m with my son I’m often not 100% present. I’m often thinking about how this isn’t for me. I want to be with my son, but I want moderation, balance and other stimulation. So, I’ve said that enough now. So, what am I doing about it???