If you thought it hurt to be left by a boyfriend, try being abandoned by your Nanny!!! As many of you know who have Nannies, a good Nanny becomes a part of your family - an extenstion of yourself. And overtime, she becomes so invaluable to your family structure (and sanity), she seems almost invaluable and irreplaceable. This is all good and fine if your Nanny feels the same way - that you, too, are invaluable, irreplaceable and like family...but what if she doesn't??!! Or what if you thought she did and then one day she just up and leaves you with no explanation??? Welcome to my world!
When my son was 4 months old, I hit a wall. I was sleep deprived, depressed and needed a BREAK. I was his caretaker 24/7 - no family, no babysitters, no nannies, no baby nurses...just ME. I realized I needed to reach out and get some help or I was going to go crazy. I never understood why full time Moms had Nannies. I mean, isn't that your job if you're a full time Mom - to be a Mom FULL TIME? So, why get a Nanny? Well, the gap in my logic was that I didn't understand that I would also need time to MYSELF. I mean, who goes to their job 24/7?? Most people work a set schedule and then go home. They get OFF WORK and have time to themselves. As all of you know, there is no break to Motherhood. It's 24/7. Especially with a newborn, it is truly 24/7! So I came to understand why a full-time Mom would need a Nanny. You need time to yourself. Time to rest, time to recooperate, time to have lunch with a friend, get your nails done, go shopping or just SLEEP. And Moms greatly underestimate their need for this, and also, for some ungodly reason, don't think they DESERVE IT. Hello??? Is Motherhood not the HARDEST job you've ever done??? I mean, when I worked, I still had a ton of time to myself. Time on my morning commute to stop at Starbucks and get coffee, time to gab on the phone to my friends, time to listen to the radio and have uninterrupted thoughts....and then when I got to my office, I often had time to do personal calls and emails and go to lunch with a friend. Ok, now that I think about, working full time was a VACATION compared to Motherhood. Stopping at Starbucks?? Maybe not...how do I juggle my child and a hot cup of coffee?? Time to drive and gab on the phone or have interrupted thoughts? GUESS AGAIN! Time to do emails and personal calls?? HA!!!! You get my point. So, a full time Mom needs a break too. If she is gonna be the source of all caretaking for the child, she needs a little caretaking for herself too. So, that is my explanation for why, at 4 months, I hired a nanny for my son...even though I was a full time Mom.
The thing is, there is no rule book for being a Mom. Although we all like to think we know what's best, the truth is, what's best for you isn't best for everyone. As a Mom, you have to find out what works best for YOU. And for me, I needed balance. I needed time with my son, time to myself, and time to pursue my dreams (which for me meant a career in television). So, I hired a Nanny for two days a week - Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Our Nanny came recommended to us by our close friend's Nanny. Love those personal referrals. When she showed up, she was young, pretty and seemed very pleasant. Good people. She brought her daughter who was very cute. I can't remember if I had a good gut feeling about her or I just needed a warm body....but she had a good letter of recommendation (which I didn't call on), so I hired her on the spot.
As far as I can remember, I liked her from the start. Or at least I can't remember any real red flags. Thank you Mommy brain. I was keeping a log of my son's eating and sleeping habits and was also sleep training him at the time. She was extremely helpful in keeping the log and doing as I asked with the sleep training. And it wasn't easy. Our Nanny got to know me, my son and our system/schedule and a trust and comfort set in that I now had duplicated myself and had an extra set of helping hands with my son. I started to get a sense of myself back. I had time to myself and someone I trusted.
Over time, our Nanny really came to love our son. She would take so much pride in him - everything from how he was sleeping and eating to how she dressed him, bathed him and his funny behaviors. They had such a cute relationship. I would often watch and marvel at how cute they were together - careful to stay out of the way and not infringe on their relationship. I was never one of these hovering Moms who, regardless if the caretaker/Nanny is there, you are still doing everything. I believe in giving the caretaker space to figure some things out themselves.
It got to the point with my son where I honestly felt that our Nanny loved him as if he were her own...almost as much as we did (maybe as much as we did). But now I wonder if that was all some fantasy I had. Nonetheless, for two years, she was an integral part of our family and our son's life. They were best friends. He loved her and she loved him. We spent Xmas' together, helped her furnish her apartment, would often have her and her daughter for sleepovers and pancake breakfasts and even considered paying for an immigration attorney to get her citizenship.
The one thing I can say is that I NEVER took her for granted. I would always tell my husband how lucky we were to have her, how much I loved her and would brag about her constantly to friends and family - who also befriended her!!!
That is why the day she quit was so shocking and unsettling to me. I'll never forget it. I was in my first trimester of pregnancy with my 2nd child. It was a tough trimester. I was sick, tired and moody...and most days I could barely get through with my active Toddler son. Thank God for our Nanny. So we were down in the garage playing when she very indirectly and casually told me that her daughter had gotten into some trouble at school and that she knew of a lady who could take her place that I would really like. Whaattttttttt?????? It was the most bizarre form of quitting.
I questioned the extremity of her actions and she got very defensive and then shut down completely. In less than a week she was gone, replaced by her spanish speaking friend Sylvia. Sylvia was entirely pleasant, and entirely Spanish speaking. Luckily this presented less of a problem for my son then it did for me. They got along just fine because Sylvia quickly understood the universal language of "giddy up" as my son rode on her back and thrust her heels into her side. For this, she endeared herself to us immediately, but still, she was not our former Nanny. After three months with Sylvia, we were supposed to get our old Nanny back. She even joined us for Xmas again that year. But one day in January Sylvia showed up to work with the cellphone we had issued our old Nanny and said she was never coming back. And that's the last time we heard from her.
My husband has tried to explain to me on a number of occasions that people handle things differently and for whatever reason, this was the best way for her to handle quitting. The saddest part is, our Nanny obviously didn't realize how much she meant to us.
Now as I revisit this blog almost a year after this incident, we are back in touch with that old Nanny. She is in our life again, but more as a friend. We have a new Nanny now who I love and adore. But the lesson I learned from that whole incident is that I can rely on myself as a Mom 100%. As much as it was nice to have a Mom-backup in our Nanny, I found out that I am ok just by myself.
