AM I A BAD MOM?!

Am I bad Mom??
I’m pregnant with my second child. This is something I really wanted. My husband and I tried to get pregnant for six months. I used everything – pee sticks, fertility monitor and I practically forced my husband to have sex with me when I was ovulating. I DID force my husband to have sex with me when I was ovulating. Heck, I forced MYSELF. Show me a Mom out there that WANTS to have sex! : ) Ok, my neighbor Jeannine doesn’t count. Then two of my close girlfriends got pregnant and they were all giddy about it. I was so happy for them, but sad for myself. I was worried I couldn’t get pregnant again. I got pregnant so easily with my first child (the first try!), but I was 3 years younger and I’m 40 now! I had heard stories of women saying they had their first right away and it took them 2 years to get pregnant again. I was anxious about my children being too far apart in age. Looking back, all this worry was so silly! Not because I got pregnant but because it was ridiculous I was counting the months that were passing as if 1-2 months difference was actually going to dramatically alter the closeness between my two children. Almost immediately after my two close friends announced they were pregnant, they announced they miscarried. BOTH of them. And then I got pregnant. So now I’ve gotten what I want and I’m really having a hard time with it. Not the idea of being pregnant, just BEING pregnant. At first I felt fantastic, to the point I was boasting about it. I don’t even feel pregnant! Infact, I feel like I have MORE energy! And then it hit. Around 6 weeks. Like a ton of bricks. From six weeks on I feel sick, nauseous, exhausted, MOODY….downright depressed at times. I was discontent with everything – didn’t want to be a Mom, didn’t like my house….evertying had this distaste to it – food, life, people. I holed up and hid out. I didn’t feel like being social. It was all I could do to take care of my son and make it to nap. And after nap seemed like forever until my husband got home to take over. I couldn’t be around food and still can’t. I know this is all part of it, but right now I really don’t like being pregnant. I’m not excited. I’m just slogging through it. One day, sometimes one activity at a time. I told my husband I feel like sitting in an air conditioned skybox and watching my life, not participating in it. I don’t feel emotion for things – highs and lows. I just feel neutral or bad. The joy is not there right now. I have fleeting moments of feeling. Like pride when I watched my son take his swim lesson or eat dinner with us at a sushi restaurant…. But overall I just feel a bit dead inside.