Real Moms Don't Wear Lipstick!

First and foremost, why did I call my book Real Moms Don't Where Lipstick? It speaks to the idea that when we become Moms we give up a lot. A lot of our former self. In some cases, we become a shell of our former self where things that were important before, just aren't. Like putting on lipstick! Who has time! I feel like so many Moms can relate to this, even gorgeous celebrity Moms. When you have a child your identity completely shifts, even if you maintain the same status at work, something in your core dramatically changes. For so many of us, the old self becomes last priority and for a lot of Moms that means giving up a lot - working out, clothes shopping, going out with friends, looking cute. But it doesn't have to! It's all about finding the balance. What I mean by that is not time management. I mean, finding out what works for YOU to be the happiest Mom YOU can be. And to start, we have to stop comparing ourselves to others, because what works for one woman, won't necessarily work for you.

We women love to do this endless comparison game. Whether it's about each other's outfits, boyfriends, husbands, careers, children. It's how we size ourselves up - by sizing each other up. Let's face it, don't you look other women up and down and make an almost immediate judgement about who they are, what they do, if you are better or worse than them? Immediately feelings like admiration, envy, adoration, curiousity pop up. As women we are infinitely curious about ourselves and our inner workings and we often try to discover more of ourselves through other women and how alike or disalike we are.

My Mom always boosted my ego and told me I was great. However, one day she said, "There will always be someone prettier than you." There was great freedom in that statement because I was able to take myself off the hook for constantly and never-endingly competing in the looks department. I applied it to other areas as well. "There will always be someone smarter, more successful, etc." The idea is that the only person you have to compete with is yourself - to be the best YOU you can be. you were born with certain assets and some of those are fixed. I have fair, freckled skin. I'm not going to have smooth olive skin no matter how hard I try. But I can play on my features to be the most attractive ME I can be. Freedom.

Same goes with Motherhood. You can be the best Mom YOU can be. Not the Mom your neighbor or best friend is. Stop trying to be someone else and embrace who you are.

FEELING UNAPPRECIATED!

I'm sure you Moms can relate to this. Your husband/partner goes out of town on a guy's trip and while he's gone you are left to do the heavy lifting, ie. take care of the house, kids and possibly even the dog. Before your husband leaves, you have the very best intentions for him to have a great time while you be Supermom. Yet, somewhere along the way this master plan starts to crack at the seams. Maybe it's your child's first temper tantrum or your dog barking so loud at every little sound you start to lose your hearing or the dinner you never made yourself because you were too busy doing everything else or the night terrors that keep you up because your hubbie isn't there to protect you. And, then there is just the general burnout that comes from being a single parent while your partner's away! It is inevitable that some resentment may creep in when you start to feel overwhelmed and your spouse is sending you text messages with pictures of how fresh the powder is. Yet, you continue to give yourself pep talks throughout the weekend (he would do the same for you, you are being a great wife, he deserves this trip, maybe he'll be in a better mood when he gets back and has relieved some of his daily stresses, etc.) you still fall prey to the expectations that start to build for his return home. Since you have made such a sacrifice (because now your do-gooder is giving way to full blown martyr-dom) to hold down the fort while he's away having fun, you start to imagine all the things you expect your husband to do when he returns. Starting with kissing your royal bootie, swooping the kids off to some undisclosed location so you can have piece and quiet, cooking you a 5 course meal or at least acknowledging how beautiful the house looks ON TOP OF all the heavy lifting you pulled off in his absence! But what happens when resentment and expectations are met with ambivalence?? Your partner returns from his amazing guy's trip and not only does he seem exhausted and irritated when the kids are climbing all over him demanding his attention, but he doesn't notice how beautiful the house looks and only complains about dirty dishes in the sink? You hardly hear the words Thank You and you sense a chip on his shoulder?

It seems so obvious to me, but then again, that's why men and women are soooooo different. When you are married or partners and share parenting responsibilities and you get a hall pass to escape all your responsibilities as a father, husband and head of household for a given period of time, when you return, it's game on. This is your way of SHOWING appreciation to the partner you left in the dust, holding all the responsibilities you left behind. Women live for appreciation and acknowledgement and in many cases it's how we receive love. For men, at least my husband, sex seems to be his golden ticket (the fix all for sure), but for women it's the recognition for how hard we work as women, wives, Moms. It's appreciation and gratitude for how well we take care of the children, how pretty we make the house look and all we do behind the scenes that no one ever knows about. And to take it a step further, it's about reciprocation. Have you ever heard the expression, "If you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours". Child rearing is exhausting and one of the best things you can do for your partner (and your partner can do for you) is to give each other a much-deserved break. Women are suckers for surprises. How about planning a massage for your wife unexpectedly when you return from your guy's weekend extravaganza? How about doing the grocery shopping and cooking a couple nights in a row when you first get back while she lounges guilt free watching Entertainment Tonight with a glass of wine -- and to drive it home, maybe even act like her servant. Yes, actually wait on her. I'm telling you, this will go MILES for your relationship in letting her know how much you appreciate her and her contribution. Maybe give her some money and tell her to go do some shopping or get a mani/pedi. What I'm trying to say here is MAKE SOME GRAND GESTURE to show your appreciation. And you will get so many more guy's trips in the future!

THE BATTLE OF WILLS

Have you ever wondered if you are too relaxed or too much of a drill sergeant (as a parent)?? I ask myself this all the time. I am the mother to a 3.5-year-old boy and a 9-month-old girl. My boy is the one I often butt heads with. Sometimes it feels like a daily battle of wills. Yesterday it was in the grocery store parking lot. I gave him a lot of freedoms at the store - let him push his own cart, pick his own groceries, put them on the conveyor belt.... The only thing I said no to was the candy at the checkout. Just so you don't think I'm a no-sweets Nazi, we had Pinkberry before we even went to the store! When we got to the car, I loaded all the groceries in the back of the car. It was pretty full at that point because there was also a stroller and some purchases from Nordstrom Rack. Of course my son wanted to climb into the car from the back. I told him it was too full of groceries and other stuff and that he needed to get in the door. I was also wrangling a shopping cart and a 9 month old on my hip (and I'm always tense in parking lots for the obvious reason!) My son kept persisting and started to get pesty and wouldn't budge. Now, the easiest thing to do would have been to let him climb through the back right? But I got engaged. All of a sudden I'm in the battle of wills with my 3 year old, and by doing so I made the situation way more stressful than the one I was trying to avoid (smooshing the groceries and my new Tori Burch boot box). I ended up corralling him to his door...literally corralling. I mean, pushing him with my body (remember I'm holding my baby on my hip and a grocery cart with my hand) and of course he says, "Mommy, you're hurting me!" For the record, I was NOT hurting him. But he sure knows how to push my buttons and make me feel guilty! Little did he know how bad I WANTED to hurt him. Kidding!!! But you know what I'm saying. I just needed to get something done and done my way and my son had the SAME idea. He wanted it done, and done HIS way. Please someone tell me this, too, will pass. Next time I'm in this situation I'm going to remember the motto, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Giving in and letting him climb over groceries is not the same as giving him a donut before dinnertime. I think I can give on certain things.

Speaking of donuts, later that day I had another opportunity to be challenged by my alter ego (i.e. my 3.5 year old). We took our dog to the dog wash and next door was the donut store (as luck would have it). My son immediately started whining for a donut. It was almost 6pm, we hadn't eaten dinner and I am not a fan of giving sweets at night (because I live for my kids' bedtimes!) I told him No and gave him my reasons, but he kept persisting (I know he's doing his job). But this time I wanted there to be a payoff for him. "We can get a donut tomorrow morning before school." He can burn off the sugar at school! The following morning when he woke up, I reminded him about the donut and, guess what, our day got off to a great start! ; )

Lately I just feel like a tired, exhausted, overwhelmed and irritable mom...with my 3.5 year old in particular. It just feels like he always wants my attention and can be pesty in trying to get it. When does the day come when he comes home and runs in his room, takes out his toys and plays by himself? Can't there be an autopilot switch for just PART of the day? Why do we have all these toys anyway? Am I a bad mom because I don't want to play with my son--I'd rather him play by himself so I can work on my projects? Am I bad mom because I can't wait for my kids to be in bed so I can just sit in peace and watch Access Hollywood or read People mag (yes, I love my celeb gossip!) or drink a glass of wine and just stare into space?!! Am I a bad mom because I yell "Shut the BLEEP up" in my head many times a day when the constant chatter and requests (downright demands) keep coming at me like darts in the eyes? The whining, begging, plea-ing, manipulating for movies, candy, donuts, cartoons...whatever their heart desires. It is so easy to forget that they are doing their job. PUSHING THE BOUNDARIES. And we have to be as good at our job as they are at their job. HOLDING THE BOUNDARIES. Sure, the easy way is to cave. Give them the candy, donut, toy, cartoon, movie, but is that good parenting?? I told my husband this morning, good parenting is HARD. I feel like I am always schooling my son....do this, do that, don't do this, you can't do that BECAUSE..... you have to do this because....say please, what do you say??, say hi. say bye. wash your hands. flush the toilet. did you WIPE?? The list goes on and on and on. It's no wonder I feel like I've pounded my head against the wall at the end of the day. I love my kids to death(I know, you can tell, right?!!), we all do, but parenting is exhausting...and anyone that doesn't feel this way...well....I don't have words.

DADDY, YOU'RE FIRED!

I realize what I am about to write is going to PISS OFF just about every man/husband/father reading this…and actually make most of you women/wives/mothers absolutely GLOAT….but that is not my intention. My intention would be for men to actually see something in this that could be a contribution to their relationship. But, alas, I can’t control your reaction, so here goes.

Why do men think it’s ok to come home from work and plop on the couch or get on the computer or basically do ANY activity that is the equivalent of “checking out” instead of being an active/present participant in the family activities? I mean, this isn’t the 40’s where the man comes home from work and the wife is waiting with her apron on and a cold martini on a tray and the man goes and sits in his favorite chair in front of the tv and throws his feet up on the ottoman, only for his wife to remove his shoes! Hi Leave it to Beaver, Archie Bunker. I mean, why should the woman wait on the man and do all the work? I know what most men’s argument is. Here it goes. “I’ve been working hard all day to support this family [I deserve to be taken care of]. Uh…helllllllooooo….and what have WE been doing? Sitting on our butts eating bon bons?! And then my favorite is when men have the kids for ONE day so Mom can get a break and the Dad says, “What are you complaining about, that was EASSSSYYYYY.” Ok, Dads, listen up. Having your kids for ONE day here and there is not equivalent to full time parenthood….and if you think it is, try quitting your job and being in our shoes and then you’ll see how HARD it is.

It absolutely fries me when my husband gets home from work and soon after giving my son and I his cursory hello, he slips into the office and gets on the computer. Meanwhile, I am either cooking dinner or entertaining our son….not to mention our son has been anxiously awaiting his arrival home from work. That is probably the saddest part….he doesn’t realize how excited his son is to see him and have his attention, and he is in the office surfing tabloid websites. Give me a break! Wouldn’t I love to be doing that??? Parenthood means sacrifice and selflessness, and unfortunately, NOT doing what you want to do WHEN you want to do it….all the time. It’s time for a Daddy wake up call.

WHEN THE HUSBAND'S AWAY........

Ok ladies, I’ve been with my husband for six years, married for four. He is a really good husband and has never done anything to cause me to mistrust him. Yet, whenever he goes out of town, I inevitably lose it. What do I mean by this? I get highly anxious if he doesn’t call or doesn’t answer his cellphone, or if he sounds like he’s having too good of a time. Why can’t I just let him have a good time already??!!! Afterall, my husband is NOT one of these guys that does this often, parties like a rockstar, goes out excessively with guy friends, plants himself on the couch for hours watching tv, or worse yet, on the computer playing xgames (yes, I recently talked to a mom friend who said her husband spends HOURS a DAY playing xbox on the internet. Uh, hello divorce court!!!.....to each their own I guess). So my husband is NOT a slacker, cheater or even remotely irresponsible, so again, why can’t I just let him have a good time already? Well, the answer is simple. I have abandonment issues. And for those of you that have any “issues” (I know, none of you do right?!), you know that “issues” rarely ground themselves in logic, rationale or justice. So, as a result of my abandonment issues, my husband often gets unfairly tried for committing no crime. All I can say is that when he goes out of town and doesn’t call within 24 hours, I know rationally that he is busy or preoccupied or doesn’t think he needs to call, or, god forbid, is just having fun. I know he isn’t holed up with a hooker (sorry to be so crass)…..but the way I physiologically react, you’d think he was.

IT'S OK TO FIGHT WITH YOUR HUSBAND...WHO KNEW?

Yesterday my husband and I got in a fight. Our first big fight in awhile. I was taking great pride in the fact that I lost count since our last big one. For awhile it was, 'yeah, we made it a week!"...then that graduated to "yeah, we made it a month"....so you can only imagine my job when I lost count! Not that my husband and I fought all the time, we didn't. But when we did fight, it would feel soooo bad afterwards. I would have such a strong distaste for my husband and I would feel so guilty that we had this beautiful child yet our own relationship was so tainted. Luckily I haven't had those feelings in awhile. But yesterday we fell back on our sword. The irony of it all is that we were on our way home from our aniversary weekend (of course, right?). We had gone away to Ojai Valley Inn and Spa (heaven!) for the weekend. We were gone Friday-Sunday. Our son was home with his nanny and we had no worries in the world. We had a glorious weekend of relaxing, pampering and non-parenting. Am I bad Mom because I LOVED that? Anyway! All weekend long we didn't have a single hiccup - well, I guess we had one, but we ended up laughing it off. Hoorah! So there we are driving home. I am half asleep, feeling a bit sick (I'm pregnant), when my husband asks the question that sets the whole thing off. "What are we doing about the roof?" Just out of nowhere I'm jolted out of my dream-like sleep. I immediately get irritated with him because this is a question and topic we've discussed many times before. The roof he's referring to is the roof in our sons room that leaks. I had gotten a bid on it and my roofer determined the leak was coming from the overhang. So here we were again, discussing the same thing we've discussed at least two times before. I'm giving my husband the same information I did before and he's doing exactly what he did before - debating me about the information. Yes, I was the messenger getting shot. In short, he didn't agree with the roofers diagnosis. I blew up. I blew up for a couple reasons. One, we've had this conversation before. Two, I 'm just the messenger. If you don't like the information I'm giving you, get another opinion. So of course when I blew up, he blew up and before you knew it we were back in familiar territory - yelling at each other and on the verge of throwing "nuclears" (things you say that you absolutely regret afterwards). Luckily after launching a couple nuclears we clearned the battlefield and just resorted to silent huffing and puffing and shaking of our heads. Finally, my husband dared to speak. And guess what we said? "Ok, I know I'm going to regret this, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm about to lob a bomb." I told him not to, practically begged him not to. I knew the mood I was in. But he did it anyway. I can't even remember what he said, but it wasn't that bad at all. I thought he was going to say something to utterly dessimate my character. I guess my husband's a better man than that. We ended up coming to some sort of resolution about the roof so when we pulled up to our house after our glorious aniversary weekend, and to reunite with our beautiful son, we weren't on the verge of divorce.

Later that afternoon I just happened to stumble up an article in O (Oprah) Magazine. The magazine has been on my nightstand for about a year, promising to be read, but never had been until now. Fate? The article I turned to was about marriage and relationhips and how we make the mistake of making "attunement" our goal. It went on to say that marriages and relationships have conflict and conflict (and anger) are healhty...that it's all a matter of how you deal with it and how you recover. Can you believe the timing of that? Here I feel as though if my husband and I fight, we are "less than" other couples who seem to be in complete harmony. When in reality, it's ok to fight. Who knew? I ripped out the article and of course, put it on my husband's bedside table. ; )