Real Moms Don't Wear Lipstick!

First and foremost, why did I call my book Real Moms Don't Where Lipstick? It speaks to the idea that when we become Moms we give up a lot. A lot of our former self. In some cases, we become a shell of our former self where things that were important before, just aren't. Like putting on lipstick! Who has time! I feel like so many Moms can relate to this, even gorgeous celebrity Moms. When you have a child your identity completely shifts, even if you maintain the same status at work, something in your core dramatically changes. For so many of us, the old self becomes last priority and for a lot of Moms that means giving up a lot - working out, clothes shopping, going out with friends, looking cute. But it doesn't have to! It's all about finding the balance. What I mean by that is not time management. I mean, finding out what works for YOU to be the happiest Mom YOU can be. And to start, we have to stop comparing ourselves to others, because what works for one woman, won't necessarily work for you.

We women love to do this endless comparison game. Whether it's about each other's outfits, boyfriends, husbands, careers, children. It's how we size ourselves up - by sizing each other up. Let's face it, don't you look other women up and down and make an almost immediate judgement about who they are, what they do, if you are better or worse than them? Immediately feelings like admiration, envy, adoration, curiousity pop up. As women we are infinitely curious about ourselves and our inner workings and we often try to discover more of ourselves through other women and how alike or disalike we are.

My Mom always boosted my ego and told me I was great. However, one day she said, "There will always be someone prettier than you." There was great freedom in that statement because I was able to take myself off the hook for constantly and never-endingly competing in the looks department. I applied it to other areas as well. "There will always be someone smarter, more successful, etc." The idea is that the only person you have to compete with is yourself - to be the best YOU you can be. you were born with certain assets and some of those are fixed. I have fair, freckled skin. I'm not going to have smooth olive skin no matter how hard I try. But I can play on my features to be the most attractive ME I can be. Freedom.

Same goes with Motherhood. You can be the best Mom YOU can be. Not the Mom your neighbor or best friend is. Stop trying to be someone else and embrace who you are.

FEELING UNAPPRECIATED!

I'm sure you Moms can relate to this. Your husband/partner goes out of town on a guy's trip and while he's gone you are left to do the heavy lifting, ie. take care of the house, kids and possibly even the dog. Before your husband leaves, you have the very best intentions for him to have a great time while you be Supermom. Yet, somewhere along the way this master plan starts to crack at the seams. Maybe it's your child's first temper tantrum or your dog barking so loud at every little sound you start to lose your hearing or the dinner you never made yourself because you were too busy doing everything else or the night terrors that keep you up because your hubbie isn't there to protect you. And, then there is just the general burnout that comes from being a single parent while your partner's away! It is inevitable that some resentment may creep in when you start to feel overwhelmed and your spouse is sending you text messages with pictures of how fresh the powder is. Yet, you continue to give yourself pep talks throughout the weekend (he would do the same for you, you are being a great wife, he deserves this trip, maybe he'll be in a better mood when he gets back and has relieved some of his daily stresses, etc.) you still fall prey to the expectations that start to build for his return home. Since you have made such a sacrifice (because now your do-gooder is giving way to full blown martyr-dom) to hold down the fort while he's away having fun, you start to imagine all the things you expect your husband to do when he returns. Starting with kissing your royal bootie, swooping the kids off to some undisclosed location so you can have piece and quiet, cooking you a 5 course meal or at least acknowledging how beautiful the house looks ON TOP OF all the heavy lifting you pulled off in his absence! But what happens when resentment and expectations are met with ambivalence?? Your partner returns from his amazing guy's trip and not only does he seem exhausted and irritated when the kids are climbing all over him demanding his attention, but he doesn't notice how beautiful the house looks and only complains about dirty dishes in the sink? You hardly hear the words Thank You and you sense a chip on his shoulder?

It seems so obvious to me, but then again, that's why men and women are soooooo different. When you are married or partners and share parenting responsibilities and you get a hall pass to escape all your responsibilities as a father, husband and head of household for a given period of time, when you return, it's game on. This is your way of SHOWING appreciation to the partner you left in the dust, holding all the responsibilities you left behind. Women live for appreciation and acknowledgement and in many cases it's how we receive love. For men, at least my husband, sex seems to be his golden ticket (the fix all for sure), but for women it's the recognition for how hard we work as women, wives, Moms. It's appreciation and gratitude for how well we take care of the children, how pretty we make the house look and all we do behind the scenes that no one ever knows about. And to take it a step further, it's about reciprocation. Have you ever heard the expression, "If you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours". Child rearing is exhausting and one of the best things you can do for your partner (and your partner can do for you) is to give each other a much-deserved break. Women are suckers for surprises. How about planning a massage for your wife unexpectedly when you return from your guy's weekend extravaganza? How about doing the grocery shopping and cooking a couple nights in a row when you first get back while she lounges guilt free watching Entertainment Tonight with a glass of wine -- and to drive it home, maybe even act like her servant. Yes, actually wait on her. I'm telling you, this will go MILES for your relationship in letting her know how much you appreciate her and her contribution. Maybe give her some money and tell her to go do some shopping or get a mani/pedi. What I'm trying to say here is MAKE SOME GRAND GESTURE to show your appreciation. And you will get so many more guy's trips in the future!

THE BATTLE OF WILLS

Have you ever wondered if you are too relaxed or too much of a drill sergeant (as a parent)?? I ask myself this all the time. I am the mother to a 3.5-year-old boy and a 9-month-old girl. My boy is the one I often butt heads with. Sometimes it feels like a daily battle of wills. Yesterday it was in the grocery store parking lot. I gave him a lot of freedoms at the store - let him push his own cart, pick his own groceries, put them on the conveyor belt.... The only thing I said no to was the candy at the checkout. Just so you don't think I'm a no-sweets Nazi, we had Pinkberry before we even went to the store! When we got to the car, I loaded all the groceries in the back of the car. It was pretty full at that point because there was also a stroller and some purchases from Nordstrom Rack. Of course my son wanted to climb into the car from the back. I told him it was too full of groceries and other stuff and that he needed to get in the door. I was also wrangling a shopping cart and a 9 month old on my hip (and I'm always tense in parking lots for the obvious reason!) My son kept persisting and started to get pesty and wouldn't budge. Now, the easiest thing to do would have been to let him climb through the back right? But I got engaged. All of a sudden I'm in the battle of wills with my 3 year old, and by doing so I made the situation way more stressful than the one I was trying to avoid (smooshing the groceries and my new Tori Burch boot box). I ended up corralling him to his door...literally corralling. I mean, pushing him with my body (remember I'm holding my baby on my hip and a grocery cart with my hand) and of course he says, "Mommy, you're hurting me!" For the record, I was NOT hurting him. But he sure knows how to push my buttons and make me feel guilty! Little did he know how bad I WANTED to hurt him. Kidding!!! But you know what I'm saying. I just needed to get something done and done my way and my son had the SAME idea. He wanted it done, and done HIS way. Please someone tell me this, too, will pass. Next time I'm in this situation I'm going to remember the motto, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Giving in and letting him climb over groceries is not the same as giving him a donut before dinnertime. I think I can give on certain things.

Speaking of donuts, later that day I had another opportunity to be challenged by my alter ego (i.e. my 3.5 year old). We took our dog to the dog wash and next door was the donut store (as luck would have it). My son immediately started whining for a donut. It was almost 6pm, we hadn't eaten dinner and I am not a fan of giving sweets at night (because I live for my kids' bedtimes!) I told him No and gave him my reasons, but he kept persisting (I know he's doing his job). But this time I wanted there to be a payoff for him. "We can get a donut tomorrow morning before school." He can burn off the sugar at school! The following morning when he woke up, I reminded him about the donut and, guess what, our day got off to a great start! ; )

Lately I just feel like a tired, exhausted, overwhelmed and irritable mom...with my 3.5 year old in particular. It just feels like he always wants my attention and can be pesty in trying to get it. When does the day come when he comes home and runs in his room, takes out his toys and plays by himself? Can't there be an autopilot switch for just PART of the day? Why do we have all these toys anyway? Am I a bad mom because I don't want to play with my son--I'd rather him play by himself so I can work on my projects? Am I bad mom because I can't wait for my kids to be in bed so I can just sit in peace and watch Access Hollywood or read People mag (yes, I love my celeb gossip!) or drink a glass of wine and just stare into space?!! Am I a bad mom because I yell "Shut the BLEEP up" in my head many times a day when the constant chatter and requests (downright demands) keep coming at me like darts in the eyes? The whining, begging, plea-ing, manipulating for movies, candy, donuts, cartoons...whatever their heart desires. It is so easy to forget that they are doing their job. PUSHING THE BOUNDARIES. And we have to be as good at our job as they are at their job. HOLDING THE BOUNDARIES. Sure, the easy way is to cave. Give them the candy, donut, toy, cartoon, movie, but is that good parenting?? I told my husband this morning, good parenting is HARD. I feel like I am always schooling my son....do this, do that, don't do this, you can't do that BECAUSE..... you have to do this because....say please, what do you say??, say hi. say bye. wash your hands. flush the toilet. did you WIPE?? The list goes on and on and on. It's no wonder I feel like I've pounded my head against the wall at the end of the day. I love my kids to death(I know, you can tell, right?!!), we all do, but parenting is exhausting...and anyone that doesn't feel this way...well....I don't have words.

DADDY, YOU'RE FIRED!

I realize what I am about to write is going to PISS OFF just about every man/husband/father reading this…and actually make most of you women/wives/mothers absolutely GLOAT….but that is not my intention. My intention would be for men to actually see something in this that could be a contribution to their relationship. But, alas, I can’t control your reaction, so here goes.

Why do men think it’s ok to come home from work and plop on the couch or get on the computer or basically do ANY activity that is the equivalent of “checking out” instead of being an active/present participant in the family activities? I mean, this isn’t the 40’s where the man comes home from work and the wife is waiting with her apron on and a cold martini on a tray and the man goes and sits in his favorite chair in front of the tv and throws his feet up on the ottoman, only for his wife to remove his shoes! Hi Leave it to Beaver, Archie Bunker. I mean, why should the woman wait on the man and do all the work? I know what most men’s argument is. Here it goes. “I’ve been working hard all day to support this family [I deserve to be taken care of]. Uh…helllllllooooo….and what have WE been doing? Sitting on our butts eating bon bons?! And then my favorite is when men have the kids for ONE day so Mom can get a break and the Dad says, “What are you complaining about, that was EASSSSYYYYY.” Ok, Dads, listen up. Having your kids for ONE day here and there is not equivalent to full time parenthood….and if you think it is, try quitting your job and being in our shoes and then you’ll see how HARD it is.

It absolutely fries me when my husband gets home from work and soon after giving my son and I his cursory hello, he slips into the office and gets on the computer. Meanwhile, I am either cooking dinner or entertaining our son….not to mention our son has been anxiously awaiting his arrival home from work. That is probably the saddest part….he doesn’t realize how excited his son is to see him and have his attention, and he is in the office surfing tabloid websites. Give me a break! Wouldn’t I love to be doing that??? Parenthood means sacrifice and selflessness, and unfortunately, NOT doing what you want to do WHEN you want to do it….all the time. It’s time for a Daddy wake up call.

WHEN THE HUSBAND'S AWAY........

Ok ladies, I’ve been with my husband for six years, married for four. He is a really good husband and has never done anything to cause me to mistrust him. Yet, whenever he goes out of town, I inevitably lose it. What do I mean by this? I get highly anxious if he doesn’t call or doesn’t answer his cellphone, or if he sounds like he’s having too good of a time. Why can’t I just let him have a good time already??!!! Afterall, my husband is NOT one of these guys that does this often, parties like a rockstar, goes out excessively with guy friends, plants himself on the couch for hours watching tv, or worse yet, on the computer playing xgames (yes, I recently talked to a mom friend who said her husband spends HOURS a DAY playing xbox on the internet. Uh, hello divorce court!!!.....to each their own I guess). So my husband is NOT a slacker, cheater or even remotely irresponsible, so again, why can’t I just let him have a good time already? Well, the answer is simple. I have abandonment issues. And for those of you that have any “issues” (I know, none of you do right?!), you know that “issues” rarely ground themselves in logic, rationale or justice. So, as a result of my abandonment issues, my husband often gets unfairly tried for committing no crime. All I can say is that when he goes out of town and doesn’t call within 24 hours, I know rationally that he is busy or preoccupied or doesn’t think he needs to call, or, god forbid, is just having fun. I know he isn’t holed up with a hooker (sorry to be so crass)…..but the way I physiologically react, you’d think he was.

TEXT ME MOMMY

As I sit here on my MAC Notebook, which is on my desk, in front of my MAC Desktop…and next to me sits my Blackberry Bold (or is it the Tour, or the whatever-else-brands-they-have), I wonder if technology is a good thing or a bad thing? My to-do list is never done. I need a to-do list for my to-do list. I have so many iPhoto projects ½ done – books I have made on both iPhoto and Snapfish - photos I constantly debate whether to send to Flicker or Costco or just post on Facebook…so much technology, so many projects, so many decisions, so little time = nothing gets done. Who can keep up with it??!!!! And then my husband comes home and tells me he’s doing something (a “technology experiment” he calls it) called 4 square. He goes places (Starbucks, the gym, etc.) and “checks in”. Other people go places and “check in”, and it’s a way of god knows what (to let people you know, know where you are at all times??!!!!) Creepy! That is just WAY TO MUCH INFORMATION for people who have WAY TOO MUCH TIME.

Me? I’m just trying to write thank you notes. Remember those? I have thank you notes with my daughter’s name, thank you notes with my son’s name (oh, by the way, my daughter is 5 months and my son is 3 years – but, yes, they have personalized stationary) and thank you notes with my name, mine and my husband’s names…. No, I don’t have them with our dog’s names, but I may as well. I owe thank you notes for my son’s birthday (back in June), my daughter’s birth (further back than June), my birthday…I mean come on! Can’t someone call Amnesty on thank you card writing and give us all a break? I need UPS packages to send all my thank you notes because the same people are getting all of them! Or could I just send an email? No, that is where technology does not help. But you get my point. And some people wonder why they never get a phone call. Should they call my home phone, cellphone, text me, email me, Facebook me?! Bottom line is, they have to STALK me just to get in touch with me. There are so many ways to reach me, yet no way at all. I’m too damned busy doing nothing.

Ok, you guys get my point. Everyday I think to myself “I just want to be a Mom today. I want to be fully present for my kids”. And then something happens and takes me away from that moment. Welcome to our world. How many moms do you see at the park texting? Emailing? Forget talking on their cellphones. Now their fingers are doing the talking. And we don’t even REALIZE how this is effecting our kids. That’s the scary part. We always talk about how our kids are sponges. Well, guess what their little eyes are seeing 24/7? Mommies, Daddies and even illegal Nannies (I’m not trying to be politically incorrect here, just honest) completely engrossed in a world they know nothing about – because their world is all about the immediate. A ladybug crawling across the playground, a loud airplane flying through the sky, a leaf blowing in a tree, how their butt feels careening down a hot slide on a summer day…. Thank god for children. Thank god they remind us of the simple things. Things about life that have never changed and hopefully never will. Things you can’t text, email or post on Facebook…and things we adults, and parents in particular, desperately need to get back in touch with.

What were Moms like before cellphones? Have you ever thought about that? They must have played with their kids more, laughed more, appreciated more…maybe they even watched those ladybugs and leaves. If they weren’t distracted by technology….what were they doing at the park? Maybe being so involved with their kids, they felt like kids themselves.

Yesterday I was at the beach with my girlfriend. We were there with our two 3 year old sons. I was on my Blackberry (as I often am) and she was technology-free (ok, I’ll fall for the modern day trap of shortening something and making it sound so catchy – “T-FREE” – how’s that Brangelina??!!) What was she thinking-my friend-being T-FREE?! At one point she said, “Molly, look at the boys rolling in the sand!” and I lifted my head up for the cursory glance, and then back down to my phone. I think she was sending me a bigger message than that. “Molly, you are missing out on your son’s childhood, his gleeful exuberance.” And the message came through loud and clear and more rapid than a text message.

THE EVOLVING MOM

So, I have been blogging lately about being a Bad Mom. By Bad Mom I don’t mean that I’m REALLY a bad Mom. I don’t abuse or neglect my child or anything like that. But there are plenty of days when I size myself up and just plain don’t MEASURE UP. I constantly tell myself I should be playing with my son more – heck, I should WANT to play with my son more – that I should have more patience and more desire to “just” be a Mom. These THOUGHTS are what make me feel like a Bad Mom. Cuz “Good” Moms always want to play with their kids, and do it often, have an abundance of patience and are always in healthy communication with their child (ie. Not yelling or loosing it…or crying infront of their kid BECAUSE of their kid…which I’ve done a couple times lately)…. You get my drift. It’s the Good Mom vs. Bad Mom wars. And the 64,000 question is…what makes a good Mom anyway and who’s to judge? Some days I wish there were some all powerful Oz watching over me and announcing in an ominous voice “You were a Bad Mom today”….or “You were a Good Mom today” so I wouldn’t have to constantly wonder. I’d have some way to measure. But lately I’ve been feeling like I’m actually a pretty good Mom. Now, this could be because my son is not acting out as much (I barely survived the past couple months of terrible two terrorist torture- you know the 4 T’s – don’t ya Moms?!) But my son is easier now, communicates more, OBEYS more and therefore, I am a better Mom. I love how that works. He’s not a better kid, I’m a better Mom. And, I’m pregnant, in my second trimester, so I’m in this state of nesting bliss. Even my husband said “You’re always in a good mood”. Now, if you only knew how out of the ordinary that is. I mean, those words would typically NEVER come out of his mouth! So maybe it’s pregnancy hormones, but lately I don’t really feel right calling myself a Bad Mom. So, this made me starting thinking about WHAT kind of Mom I am (cuz I need a label, ya know?!) And I got to thinking about how I’ve evolved as a Mom. I started out feeling like I needed to break out of prison. I couldn’t even be home all day with my newborn without leaving the house. I didn’t have a job, but I would pretend I was on maternity leave to trick myself that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. An escape hatch to Motherhood. Almost the entire first year of my son’s life I would have a conversation going on in my head – while I was at the park, while I was changing my son’s diaper, while I was feeding my son, while I was having sex with my husband (ok, not then….just wanted to make sure you were paying attention)…. And the conversation would go something like “This is not enough. I can’t believe this is what you’re doing with your life. This is ALL you’re doing. You should be doing more. You’re wasting yourself/your life.” I don’t want my kids to read this one day and think I regreted having them or being a Mom. It wasn’t about that at all. I loved my son dearly (and still do, even after his terrible two’s)… It was about me EVOLVING into this identity of full time Mom. Before I had kids, I was 100% career driven. That defined me. Ever since I graduated college I was like a race horse looking for a track. Money driven, success driven, power driven, you name it. I was in several different industries and was on a constant search for that “thing” I was meant to do with my life. I always knew I wanted to have kids, but I never dreamed of or planned on being a “stay at home Mom”. In fact, I wondered how someone could be happy doing that. I guess I always imagined being a working Mom. Truth is, I didn’t have a plan. But as fate would have it, I was working in the Mortgage industry before I got married, and after a 3 year run and 1 million dollars later (I got in when the going was GOOD), I lost my job and discovered I was never passionate about it in the first place. Then, an unexpected turn of events! My husband and I got married on The Today Show. That is a WHOLE other story – see Today Show Throws a Wedding BLOG – and I quit the mortgage business and never looked back. After our Today Show Wedding, I decided to pursue my long term dream of being a television personality. I was going to be the next Oprah! Now I know better (visit my How I Became A TV Host BLOG). But the unexpected twist in THAT plan was getting pregnant. Yup, after 37 years of trying NOT to get pregnant, I didn’t know if I could. So I never thought that the first time would be the charm. But sure enough, in the comfort of the Club Quarters hotel in New York, and during the Today Show Wedding competition, my husband and I conceived our first child, Hudson. We didn’t know I was pregnant until after the wedding and honeymoon (maybe my son is a thrill seeker because I bungee jumped from 400+feet with him in my womb on our honeymoon!)… So, my plans of getting an agent and a TV gig were temporarily put on hold. But I did find Marki Costello’s hosting school and began building my craft as a TV host. But I disgress, this whole blog is about EVOLVING. And, really, how I evolved from a hard core career person to a stay at home Mom. Because, for me anyway, Motherhood is a constant state of evolution. Some might say it’s an attempt to achieve balance, but what’s that? As soon as you have balance, something changes, and you’re out of balance again. So I don’t strive to have balance. I strive to evolve, to keep evolving, and to roll with and adapt to the evolution. At first I couldn’t imagine being a stay home Mom. Then I grew into it and developed an appreciation for it, and learned what I needed to do to be true to myself in the process (continuing to pursue my dream of being on TV). Then I got my body back and my energy back and I felt like my old self again, wanting to do the things my “old self” did – the pre-Mommy me. And then I got pregnant again. Back to the drawing board. Now I once again am redefining myself and my purpose. I can’t drink, I can’t dance on tabletops, I can’t run a marathon. I have a baby growing in my body. I have lost a sense of self, but I am gaining a much better part of myself – a new child. And I know the day will come again when I will have my body back (to myself) and feel like my old self again…and I’m sure I’ll have to go through several iterations of evolution before that happens. And that’s ok. Like I said, Evolution.

WHINES, SCREAMS, CRIES....OH MY!!!!!

Not to sound melodramatic, but my son broke me tonight. He broke my spirit, and I snapped. I was out all day doing last minute Xmas errands and came home to a happy child and a clean house. Ahhh, nirvana. We had to take the nanny to the bus, which always drives me nuts, especially after driving around all day. The last thing I want to do is have to put my son in the car seat and drive to the bus in rush hour traffic. But, hey, I should be thankful I have a car and can drive right? Afterall, she’s taking the bus. It’s a feat getting my son to do ANYthing these days. Eat. Get dressed. Change a diaper. Leave the house. Get into the car. If we go to a playdate and there’s a movie, he throws a tantrum if we have to leave. He whines and screams and cries to get what he wants – movie, airplane park, climb a tree, not wanting to get out of the car seat, and god forbid I undue his carseat. God forbid I move his stool for him so he can climb on his diaper changing table. God forbid I move the diaper caddy out of the way. He has to put everything back so HE CAN DO IT. ME DO IT!!!!!!!! I thought he would want to see Santa, but even that was not enough to motivate him to change his diaper and clothes without a fuss, which turned into a full blown tantrum because we did not have jellybeans at his disposal (an earlier tactic I tried out as a means of getting him to change his diapers that is now dominating my life). Needless to day, I could use a cocktail right now….scratch that, let’s go straight to shots.

TERRIBLE TWO'S ANYONE?!

I’d be lying if I said I’d like my son to stay 2.5 forever. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I get he’s going to grow up and leave me and I’m going to cry over these “golden” years – forgetting all the screaming, crying, temper tantrums, power struggles….just wanting to scream “Shut the F--- UP!” to him in the back seat of the car –-but for now, I am looking forward to that next stage of more self control, more listening, greater COMPLIANCE. We took my son to a dog wash tonight, thinking it’d be a fun family thing to do. My son is so into helping with EVERYTHING – everything we don’t WANT him helping with – cooking eggs over a hot stove, sweeping our already swept pile of dirt (or shall I say UNsweeping it), etc. So I thought for sure he’d love the dog wash. It didn’t take long for the power washer to overtake him when he decided he was bored and needed other stimulation – outside of the confines of the doggy wash bin. His first stop – the miniature dog coral. Of course he wanted to go in there and be with those little yappers and was insisting I lift him up to see over the fence (hard to do when you’re trying to blowdry your dog’s butthole at the same time) Thank god for the sweet dog wash girl with the stepping stool. Then there were the coffee table books. Were those for sale??!!!! Cuz no one’s gonna buy them now! And then there were the dog collars. Not the cool, chunky ones you’d put on a REAL dog….but the little pom pom things (are you kidding ME?!) that go on Pommeranians (sorry, you’re cute, but those COLLARS?!) Soon enough my son’s opinion of them was clear by how they were scattered all over the dog wash floor. So, needless to say, it made me think about-scratch that-fantasize about-the day when Hudson is just a little more tame. Will there ever be such a day?