First and foremost, why did I call my book Real Moms Don't Where Lipstick? It speaks to the idea that when we become Moms we give up a lot. A lot of our former self. In some cases, we become a shell of our former self where things that were important before, just aren't. Like putting on lipstick! Who has time! I feel like so many Moms can relate to this, even gorgeous celebrity Moms. When you have a child your identity completely shifts, even if you maintain the same status at work, something in your core dramatically changes. For so many of us, the old self becomes last priority and for a lot of Moms that means giving up a lot - working out, clothes shopping, going out with friends, looking cute. But it doesn't have to! It's all about finding the balance. What I mean by that is not time management. I mean, finding out what works for YOU to be the happiest Mom YOU can be. And to start, we have to stop comparing ourselves to others, because what works for one woman, won't necessarily work for you.
We women love to do this endless comparison game. Whether it's about each other's outfits, boyfriends, husbands, careers, children. It's how we size ourselves up - by sizing each other up. Let's face it, don't you look other women up and down and make an almost immediate judgement about who they are, what they do, if you are better or worse than them? Immediately feelings like admiration, envy, adoration, curiousity pop up. As women we are infinitely curious about ourselves and our inner workings and we often try to discover more of ourselves through other women and how alike or disalike we are.
My Mom always boosted my ego and told me I was great. However, one day she said, "There will always be someone prettier than you." There was great freedom in that statement because I was able to take myself off the hook for constantly and never-endingly competing in the looks department. I applied it to other areas as well. "There will always be someone smarter, more successful, etc." The idea is that the only person you have to compete with is yourself - to be the best YOU you can be. you were born with certain assets and some of those are fixed. I have fair, freckled skin. I'm not going to have smooth olive skin no matter how hard I try. But I can play on my features to be the most attractive ME I can be. Freedom.
Same goes with Motherhood. You can be the best Mom YOU can be. Not the Mom your neighbor or best friend is. Stop trying to be someone else and embrace who you are.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
FEELING UNAPPRECIATED!
I'm sure you Moms can relate to this. Your husband/partner goes out of town on a guy's trip and while he's gone you are left to do the heavy lifting, ie. take care of the house, kids and possibly even the dog. Before your husband leaves, you have the very best intentions for him to have a great time while you be Supermom. Yet, somewhere along the way this master plan starts to crack at the seams. Maybe it's your child's first temper tantrum or your dog barking so loud at every little sound you start to lose your hearing or the dinner you never made yourself because you were too busy doing everything else or the night terrors that keep you up because your hubbie isn't there to protect you. And, then there is just the general burnout that comes from being a single parent while your partner's away! It is inevitable that some resentment may creep in when you start to feel overwhelmed and your spouse is sending you text messages with pictures of how fresh the powder is. Yet, you continue to give yourself pep talks throughout the weekend (he would do the same for you, you are being a great wife, he deserves this trip, maybe he'll be in a better mood when he gets back and has relieved some of his daily stresses, etc.) you still fall prey to the expectations that start to build for his return home. Since you have made such a sacrifice (because now your do-gooder is giving way to full blown martyr-dom) to hold down the fort while he's away having fun, you start to imagine all the things you expect your husband to do when he returns. Starting with kissing your royal bootie, swooping the kids off to some undisclosed location so you can have piece and quiet, cooking you a 5 course meal or at least acknowledging how beautiful the house looks ON TOP OF all the heavy lifting you pulled off in his absence! But what happens when resentment and expectations are met with ambivalence?? Your partner returns from his amazing guy's trip and not only does he seem exhausted and irritated when the kids are climbing all over him demanding his attention, but he doesn't notice how beautiful the house looks and only complains about dirty dishes in the sink? You hardly hear the words Thank You and you sense a chip on his shoulder?
It seems so obvious to me, but then again, that's why men and women are soooooo different. When you are married or partners and share parenting responsibilities and you get a hall pass to escape all your responsibilities as a father, husband and head of household for a given period of time, when you return, it's game on. This is your way of SHOWING appreciation to the partner you left in the dust, holding all the responsibilities you left behind. Women live for appreciation and acknowledgement and in many cases it's how we receive love. For men, at least my husband, sex seems to be his golden ticket (the fix all for sure), but for women it's the recognition for how hard we work as women, wives, Moms. It's appreciation and gratitude for how well we take care of the children, how pretty we make the house look and all we do behind the scenes that no one ever knows about. And to take it a step further, it's about reciprocation. Have you ever heard the expression, "If you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours". Child rearing is exhausting and one of the best things you can do for your partner (and your partner can do for you) is to give each other a much-deserved break. Women are suckers for surprises. How about planning a massage for your wife unexpectedly when you return from your guy's weekend extravaganza? How about doing the grocery shopping and cooking a couple nights in a row when you first get back while she lounges guilt free watching Entertainment Tonight with a glass of wine -- and to drive it home, maybe even act like her servant. Yes, actually wait on her. I'm telling you, this will go MILES for your relationship in letting her know how much you appreciate her and her contribution. Maybe give her some money and tell her to go do some shopping or get a mani/pedi. What I'm trying to say here is MAKE SOME GRAND GESTURE to show your appreciation. And you will get so many more guy's trips in the future!
It seems so obvious to me, but then again, that's why men and women are soooooo different. When you are married or partners and share parenting responsibilities and you get a hall pass to escape all your responsibilities as a father, husband and head of household for a given period of time, when you return, it's game on. This is your way of SHOWING appreciation to the partner you left in the dust, holding all the responsibilities you left behind. Women live for appreciation and acknowledgement and in many cases it's how we receive love. For men, at least my husband, sex seems to be his golden ticket (the fix all for sure), but for women it's the recognition for how hard we work as women, wives, Moms. It's appreciation and gratitude for how well we take care of the children, how pretty we make the house look and all we do behind the scenes that no one ever knows about. And to take it a step further, it's about reciprocation. Have you ever heard the expression, "If you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours". Child rearing is exhausting and one of the best things you can do for your partner (and your partner can do for you) is to give each other a much-deserved break. Women are suckers for surprises. How about planning a massage for your wife unexpectedly when you return from your guy's weekend extravaganza? How about doing the grocery shopping and cooking a couple nights in a row when you first get back while she lounges guilt free watching Entertainment Tonight with a glass of wine -- and to drive it home, maybe even act like her servant. Yes, actually wait on her. I'm telling you, this will go MILES for your relationship in letting her know how much you appreciate her and her contribution. Maybe give her some money and tell her to go do some shopping or get a mani/pedi. What I'm trying to say here is MAKE SOME GRAND GESTURE to show your appreciation. And you will get so many more guy's trips in the future!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
THE BATTLE OF WILLS
Have you ever wondered if you are too relaxed or too much of a drill sergeant (as a parent)?? I ask myself this all the time. I am the mother to a 3.5-year-old boy and a 9-month-old girl. My boy is the one I often butt heads with. Sometimes it feels like a daily battle of wills. Yesterday it was in the grocery store parking lot. I gave him a lot of freedoms at the store - let him push his own cart, pick his own groceries, put them on the conveyor belt.... The only thing I said no to was the candy at the checkout. Just so you don't think I'm a no-sweets Nazi, we had Pinkberry before we even went to the store! When we got to the car, I loaded all the groceries in the back of the car. It was pretty full at that point because there was also a stroller and some purchases from Nordstrom Rack. Of course my son wanted to climb into the car from the back. I told him it was too full of groceries and other stuff and that he needed to get in the door. I was also wrangling a shopping cart and a 9 month old on my hip (and I'm always tense in parking lots for the obvious reason!) My son kept persisting and started to get pesty and wouldn't budge. Now, the easiest thing to do would have been to let him climb through the back right? But I got engaged. All of a sudden I'm in the battle of wills with my 3 year old, and by doing so I made the situation way more stressful than the one I was trying to avoid (smooshing the groceries and my new Tori Burch boot box). I ended up corralling him to his door...literally corralling. I mean, pushing him with my body (remember I'm holding my baby on my hip and a grocery cart with my hand) and of course he says, "Mommy, you're hurting me!" For the record, I was NOT hurting him. But he sure knows how to push my buttons and make me feel guilty! Little did he know how bad I WANTED to hurt him. Kidding!!! But you know what I'm saying. I just needed to get something done and done my way and my son had the SAME idea. He wanted it done, and done HIS way. Please someone tell me this, too, will pass. Next time I'm in this situation I'm going to remember the motto, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Giving in and letting him climb over groceries is not the same as giving him a donut before dinnertime. I think I can give on certain things.
Speaking of donuts, later that day I had another opportunity to be challenged by my alter ego (i.e. my 3.5 year old). We took our dog to the dog wash and next door was the donut store (as luck would have it). My son immediately started whining for a donut. It was almost 6pm, we hadn't eaten dinner and I am not a fan of giving sweets at night (because I live for my kids' bedtimes!) I told him No and gave him my reasons, but he kept persisting (I know he's doing his job). But this time I wanted there to be a payoff for him. "We can get a donut tomorrow morning before school." He can burn off the sugar at school! The following morning when he woke up, I reminded him about the donut and, guess what, our day got off to a great start! ; )
Lately I just feel like a tired, exhausted, overwhelmed and irritable mom...with my 3.5 year old in particular. It just feels like he always wants my attention and can be pesty in trying to get it. When does the day come when he comes home and runs in his room, takes out his toys and plays by himself? Can't there be an autopilot switch for just PART of the day? Why do we have all these toys anyway? Am I a bad mom because I don't want to play with my son--I'd rather him play by himself so I can work on my projects? Am I bad mom because I can't wait for my kids to be in bed so I can just sit in peace and watch Access Hollywood or read People mag (yes, I love my celeb gossip!) or drink a glass of wine and just stare into space?!! Am I a bad mom because I yell "Shut the BLEEP up" in my head many times a day when the constant chatter and requests (downright demands) keep coming at me like darts in the eyes? The whining, begging, plea-ing, manipulating for movies, candy, donuts, cartoons...whatever their heart desires. It is so easy to forget that they are doing their job. PUSHING THE BOUNDARIES. And we have to be as good at our job as they are at their job. HOLDING THE BOUNDARIES. Sure, the easy way is to cave. Give them the candy, donut, toy, cartoon, movie, but is that good parenting?? I told my husband this morning, good parenting is HARD. I feel like I am always schooling my son....do this, do that, don't do this, you can't do that BECAUSE..... you have to do this because....say please, what do you say??, say hi. say bye. wash your hands. flush the toilet. did you WIPE?? The list goes on and on and on. It's no wonder I feel like I've pounded my head against the wall at the end of the day. I love my kids to death(I know, you can tell, right?!!), we all do, but parenting is exhausting...and anyone that doesn't feel this way...well....I don't have words.
Speaking of donuts, later that day I had another opportunity to be challenged by my alter ego (i.e. my 3.5 year old). We took our dog to the dog wash and next door was the donut store (as luck would have it). My son immediately started whining for a donut. It was almost 6pm, we hadn't eaten dinner and I am not a fan of giving sweets at night (because I live for my kids' bedtimes!) I told him No and gave him my reasons, but he kept persisting (I know he's doing his job). But this time I wanted there to be a payoff for him. "We can get a donut tomorrow morning before school." He can burn off the sugar at school! The following morning when he woke up, I reminded him about the donut and, guess what, our day got off to a great start! ; )
Lately I just feel like a tired, exhausted, overwhelmed and irritable mom...with my 3.5 year old in particular. It just feels like he always wants my attention and can be pesty in trying to get it. When does the day come when he comes home and runs in his room, takes out his toys and plays by himself? Can't there be an autopilot switch for just PART of the day? Why do we have all these toys anyway? Am I a bad mom because I don't want to play with my son--I'd rather him play by himself so I can work on my projects? Am I bad mom because I can't wait for my kids to be in bed so I can just sit in peace and watch Access Hollywood or read People mag (yes, I love my celeb gossip!) or drink a glass of wine and just stare into space?!! Am I a bad mom because I yell "Shut the BLEEP up" in my head many times a day when the constant chatter and requests (downright demands) keep coming at me like darts in the eyes? The whining, begging, plea-ing, manipulating for movies, candy, donuts, cartoons...whatever their heart desires. It is so easy to forget that they are doing their job. PUSHING THE BOUNDARIES. And we have to be as good at our job as they are at their job. HOLDING THE BOUNDARIES. Sure, the easy way is to cave. Give them the candy, donut, toy, cartoon, movie, but is that good parenting?? I told my husband this morning, good parenting is HARD. I feel like I am always schooling my son....do this, do that, don't do this, you can't do that BECAUSE..... you have to do this because....say please, what do you say??, say hi. say bye. wash your hands. flush the toilet. did you WIPE?? The list goes on and on and on. It's no wonder I feel like I've pounded my head against the wall at the end of the day. I love my kids to death(I know, you can tell, right?!!), we all do, but parenting is exhausting...and anyone that doesn't feel this way...well....I don't have words.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
DADDY, YOU'RE FIRED!
I realize what I am about to write is going to PISS OFF just about every man/husband/father reading this…and actually make most of you women/wives/mothers absolutely GLOAT….but that is not my intention. My intention would be for men to actually see something in this that could be a contribution to their relationship. But, alas, I can’t control your reaction, so here goes.
Why do men think it’s ok to come home from work and plop on the couch or get on the computer or basically do ANY activity that is the equivalent of “checking out” instead of being an active/present participant in the family activities? I mean, this isn’t the 40’s where the man comes home from work and the wife is waiting with her apron on and a cold martini on a tray and the man goes and sits in his favorite chair in front of the tv and throws his feet up on the ottoman, only for his wife to remove his shoes! Hi Leave it to Beaver, Archie Bunker. I mean, why should the woman wait on the man and do all the work? I know what most men’s argument is. Here it goes. “I’ve been working hard all day to support this family [I deserve to be taken care of]. Uh…helllllllooooo….and what have WE been doing? Sitting on our butts eating bon bons?! And then my favorite is when men have the kids for ONE day so Mom can get a break and the Dad says, “What are you complaining about, that was EASSSSYYYYY.” Ok, Dads, listen up. Having your kids for ONE day here and there is not equivalent to full time parenthood….and if you think it is, try quitting your job and being in our shoes and then you’ll see how HARD it is.
It absolutely fries me when my husband gets home from work and soon after giving my son and I his cursory hello, he slips into the office and gets on the computer. Meanwhile, I am either cooking dinner or entertaining our son….not to mention our son has been anxiously awaiting his arrival home from work. That is probably the saddest part….he doesn’t realize how excited his son is to see him and have his attention, and he is in the office surfing tabloid websites. Give me a break! Wouldn’t I love to be doing that??? Parenthood means sacrifice and selflessness, and unfortunately, NOT doing what you want to do WHEN you want to do it….all the time. It’s time for a Daddy wake up call.
Why do men think it’s ok to come home from work and plop on the couch or get on the computer or basically do ANY activity that is the equivalent of “checking out” instead of being an active/present participant in the family activities? I mean, this isn’t the 40’s where the man comes home from work and the wife is waiting with her apron on and a cold martini on a tray and the man goes and sits in his favorite chair in front of the tv and throws his feet up on the ottoman, only for his wife to remove his shoes! Hi Leave it to Beaver, Archie Bunker. I mean, why should the woman wait on the man and do all the work? I know what most men’s argument is. Here it goes. “I’ve been working hard all day to support this family [I deserve to be taken care of]. Uh…helllllllooooo….and what have WE been doing? Sitting on our butts eating bon bons?! And then my favorite is when men have the kids for ONE day so Mom can get a break and the Dad says, “What are you complaining about, that was EASSSSYYYYY.” Ok, Dads, listen up. Having your kids for ONE day here and there is not equivalent to full time parenthood….and if you think it is, try quitting your job and being in our shoes and then you’ll see how HARD it is.
It absolutely fries me when my husband gets home from work and soon after giving my son and I his cursory hello, he slips into the office and gets on the computer. Meanwhile, I am either cooking dinner or entertaining our son….not to mention our son has been anxiously awaiting his arrival home from work. That is probably the saddest part….he doesn’t realize how excited his son is to see him and have his attention, and he is in the office surfing tabloid websites. Give me a break! Wouldn’t I love to be doing that??? Parenthood means sacrifice and selflessness, and unfortunately, NOT doing what you want to do WHEN you want to do it….all the time. It’s time for a Daddy wake up call.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
BREASTFEEDING: BONDING OR BONDAGE??!!!
To breastfeed or not to breastfeed…that is the question. Sure this may not be as profound as Shakespeare’s question to live or to die, but probably the most difficult decision for many new Moms to make. I have to admit, for me breastfeeding came relatively easy with my two children. I didn’t have problems with latching, it wasn’t painful and I produced enough milk… Not enough milk to feed a small army, but enough milk to feed my little soldier. I really enjoyed breastfeeding my son (he breastfed until 9 months and is now 3.5 years old), and still do with my daughter (six months old), but breastfeeding doesn’t come without a cost.
As I stood in the shower this morning I pondered how long I would be able to breastfeed my six month old daughter. In the past week I’ve noticed my breasts aren’t as engorged as they used to be. They are starting to flatten out on the top and my bras aren’t filling out as much. When I pump, I’m not even getting a full feeding, and just last weekend I depleted the breast milk storage. I am a full time Mom with the exception of two days a week when I have a babysitter for six hours. This means I have to pump 2-3 feedings for each of those days. That’s a lot of pumping! When I’m home with my daughter, I don’t really keep a schedule. I did with my son, but he was a much different baby. He was fussier, I was sleepier, and keeping a schedule was a necessity for my sanity. I also supplemented with formula when he was 5 months old at the advice of a woman who was helping me sleep train him. He seemed fussy when I breastfed him and she suggested he wasn’t getting enough milk. She recommended I start pumping and monitoring how much he was eating. It was soon after that I started supplementing because he was eating far more than I realized, and I couldn’t keep up. Maybe that’s what’s happening now with my daughter?! When I’m home with her I just feed her “on demand”. When she’s fussy or she’s having trouble falling asleep, or when I want to sooth her (or myself), breastfeeding is my secret weapon (probably the number one reason to breastfeed in my opinion…love that secret weapon!). But the babysitter doesn’t have that secret weapon, so I have to make sure she has milk to spare!
The thing about pumping is, it’s a pain in the butt. Even if you have the all-important breast-pumping bra and put on your favorite reality show, it’s still a pain. And it’s humiliating…even if you’re in a room by yourself. There’s just nothing attractive about pumping. Ask most Moms; it’s pumping that makes breastfeeding feel like a burden. Just when you want to have NOTHING to do, you have to pump! WA WA WA WA WA WA (that’s the sound of the breast pump)!
So I sat there in the shower contemplating whether now was the time to start supplementing. I don’t know why, but when women go from solely breastfeeding to using formula it feels like some judgment is coming down and the guilt sets in. Will my baby get fat now (I know, very superficial and unimportant!)? Will she immediately grow up? Will we lose our bond? Will she be like every other baby? Will I be less of an earth Mother? When you do something that is so natural for so long, it is difficult to consider things any other way. But sometimes necessity takes the choice out of our hands.
So there I was, in the shower examining my breasts, noticing how UNfull of milk they felt, and I knew I had an event to go to which would take me away from my baby for four hours. I got out of the shower and was already pressed for time. I put on my breast pumping bra and my robe and affixed all the necessary gear and starting pumping. Since I was short for time, I blew dry my hair at the same time (gotta love the multi-tasking – I’ve also danced and pumped at the same time – now that takes skill)….As I was pumping and blow drying (working up a sweat I might add), I hear someone knocking at the door downstairs. The dogs start barking. It’s the babysitter and a painful reminder of how little milk is coming out and the decision I’m going to be faced with momentarily. I start sweating more. I have so much to do before I have to leave and I have to arrive at this event on time. No milk is coming. I have thirty minutes before I have to leave. I have to finish my hair, get dressed, pay the garage door repair guys who have been in my house all day, prep the sitter for the afternoon (she is a new sitter by the way)…no milk……… And, finally, I have a moment. I turn off the blow dryer and look in the mirror at myself. I look like a machine with all the breast pumping equipment hanging off me. My breast are sagging. There isn’t any milk in there right now. I know what I need to do, and I finally accept it. Formula. Why am I stressing myself out? Pushing myself up against a wall? I have worked hard to breastfeed and pump and take care of my baby for six months. And I’ve done a great job. She’s amazingly healthy and beautiful. I’m a good Mom. I WANT to continue breastfeeding her and I will. But at this moment, it is what it is, and there isn’t enough milk. My decision is made and I’m at peace with it. But it’s not without some sadness. The babysitter comes in my room and she asks about the feeding schedule. I tell her there isn’t really one. I just know when she’s hungry and I feed her. She asks where the milk is. I show her the barely 3 ounces I just pumped and I point to the can of formula. This will be the first time I say. And there’s silence. And then I start justifying it. She is very understanding, but part of me feels like I’m failing…like I’m letting HER down. I’m going to keep breastfeeding her I insist! Why do I have to prove anything to anyone anyway? But I do. I love breastfeeding my daughter. But I know when enough is enough, and I’ve put myself under enough pressure. It’s time to let myself off the hook. So we make a bottle of formula and went to my event.
I really enjoyed the event. I enjoyed being dressed up and out on the town as a woman, an adult…not a Mom. When it came time to go home, I didn’t want to. I was enjoying myself. I wanted to stay out longer. But duty called. I went home and found my babysitter feeding my baby the bottle of formula. She took it fine. I knew she would. Later that night I breastfed her to sleep and pumped afterward. And this morning I breastfed her again.
I am starting to realize that as a Mom, AND as a person, I have to find balance and give myself a break. If I pressure myself too much about anything, it will take away from the enjoyment of everything. I would rather enjoy breastfeeding my daughter when I can and not worry about it when I can’t. I am lucky, I know, to be able to breastfeed her at all. And I am grateful for that.
As I stood in the shower this morning I pondered how long I would be able to breastfeed my six month old daughter. In the past week I’ve noticed my breasts aren’t as engorged as they used to be. They are starting to flatten out on the top and my bras aren’t filling out as much. When I pump, I’m not even getting a full feeding, and just last weekend I depleted the breast milk storage. I am a full time Mom with the exception of two days a week when I have a babysitter for six hours. This means I have to pump 2-3 feedings for each of those days. That’s a lot of pumping! When I’m home with my daughter, I don’t really keep a schedule. I did with my son, but he was a much different baby. He was fussier, I was sleepier, and keeping a schedule was a necessity for my sanity. I also supplemented with formula when he was 5 months old at the advice of a woman who was helping me sleep train him. He seemed fussy when I breastfed him and she suggested he wasn’t getting enough milk. She recommended I start pumping and monitoring how much he was eating. It was soon after that I started supplementing because he was eating far more than I realized, and I couldn’t keep up. Maybe that’s what’s happening now with my daughter?! When I’m home with her I just feed her “on demand”. When she’s fussy or she’s having trouble falling asleep, or when I want to sooth her (or myself), breastfeeding is my secret weapon (probably the number one reason to breastfeed in my opinion…love that secret weapon!). But the babysitter doesn’t have that secret weapon, so I have to make sure she has milk to spare!
The thing about pumping is, it’s a pain in the butt. Even if you have the all-important breast-pumping bra and put on your favorite reality show, it’s still a pain. And it’s humiliating…even if you’re in a room by yourself. There’s just nothing attractive about pumping. Ask most Moms; it’s pumping that makes breastfeeding feel like a burden. Just when you want to have NOTHING to do, you have to pump! WA WA WA WA WA WA (that’s the sound of the breast pump)!
So I sat there in the shower contemplating whether now was the time to start supplementing. I don’t know why, but when women go from solely breastfeeding to using formula it feels like some judgment is coming down and the guilt sets in. Will my baby get fat now (I know, very superficial and unimportant!)? Will she immediately grow up? Will we lose our bond? Will she be like every other baby? Will I be less of an earth Mother? When you do something that is so natural for so long, it is difficult to consider things any other way. But sometimes necessity takes the choice out of our hands.
So there I was, in the shower examining my breasts, noticing how UNfull of milk they felt, and I knew I had an event to go to which would take me away from my baby for four hours. I got out of the shower and was already pressed for time. I put on my breast pumping bra and my robe and affixed all the necessary gear and starting pumping. Since I was short for time, I blew dry my hair at the same time (gotta love the multi-tasking – I’ve also danced and pumped at the same time – now that takes skill)….As I was pumping and blow drying (working up a sweat I might add), I hear someone knocking at the door downstairs. The dogs start barking. It’s the babysitter and a painful reminder of how little milk is coming out and the decision I’m going to be faced with momentarily. I start sweating more. I have so much to do before I have to leave and I have to arrive at this event on time. No milk is coming. I have thirty minutes before I have to leave. I have to finish my hair, get dressed, pay the garage door repair guys who have been in my house all day, prep the sitter for the afternoon (she is a new sitter by the way)…no milk……… And, finally, I have a moment. I turn off the blow dryer and look in the mirror at myself. I look like a machine with all the breast pumping equipment hanging off me. My breast are sagging. There isn’t any milk in there right now. I know what I need to do, and I finally accept it. Formula. Why am I stressing myself out? Pushing myself up against a wall? I have worked hard to breastfeed and pump and take care of my baby for six months. And I’ve done a great job. She’s amazingly healthy and beautiful. I’m a good Mom. I WANT to continue breastfeeding her and I will. But at this moment, it is what it is, and there isn’t enough milk. My decision is made and I’m at peace with it. But it’s not without some sadness. The babysitter comes in my room and she asks about the feeding schedule. I tell her there isn’t really one. I just know when she’s hungry and I feed her. She asks where the milk is. I show her the barely 3 ounces I just pumped and I point to the can of formula. This will be the first time I say. And there’s silence. And then I start justifying it. She is very understanding, but part of me feels like I’m failing…like I’m letting HER down. I’m going to keep breastfeeding her I insist! Why do I have to prove anything to anyone anyway? But I do. I love breastfeeding my daughter. But I know when enough is enough, and I’ve put myself under enough pressure. It’s time to let myself off the hook. So we make a bottle of formula and went to my event.
I really enjoyed the event. I enjoyed being dressed up and out on the town as a woman, an adult…not a Mom. When it came time to go home, I didn’t want to. I was enjoying myself. I wanted to stay out longer. But duty called. I went home and found my babysitter feeding my baby the bottle of formula. She took it fine. I knew she would. Later that night I breastfed her to sleep and pumped afterward. And this morning I breastfed her again.
I am starting to realize that as a Mom, AND as a person, I have to find balance and give myself a break. If I pressure myself too much about anything, it will take away from the enjoyment of everything. I would rather enjoy breastfeeding my daughter when I can and not worry about it when I can’t. I am lucky, I know, to be able to breastfeed her at all. And I am grateful for that.
WHEN THE HUSBAND'S AWAY........
Ok ladies, I’ve been with my husband for six years, married for four. He is a really good husband and has never done anything to cause me to mistrust him. Yet, whenever he goes out of town, I inevitably lose it. What do I mean by this? I get highly anxious if he doesn’t call or doesn’t answer his cellphone, or if he sounds like he’s having too good of a time. Why can’t I just let him have a good time already??!!! Afterall, my husband is NOT one of these guys that does this often, parties like a rockstar, goes out excessively with guy friends, plants himself on the couch for hours watching tv, or worse yet, on the computer playing xgames (yes, I recently talked to a mom friend who said her husband spends HOURS a DAY playing xbox on the internet. Uh, hello divorce court!!!.....to each their own I guess). So my husband is NOT a slacker, cheater or even remotely irresponsible, so again, why can’t I just let him have a good time already? Well, the answer is simple. I have abandonment issues. And for those of you that have any “issues” (I know, none of you do right?!), you know that “issues” rarely ground themselves in logic, rationale or justice. So, as a result of my abandonment issues, my husband often gets unfairly tried for committing no crime. All I can say is that when he goes out of town and doesn’t call within 24 hours, I know rationally that he is busy or preoccupied or doesn’t think he needs to call, or, god forbid, is just having fun. I know he isn’t holed up with a hooker (sorry to be so crass)…..but the way I physiologically react, you’d think he was.
Friday, October 29, 2010
SLEEP TRAINING!
READY TO GET SOME ZZZ'S NEW MOMS? READ ON..............
Ok new Moms, listen up. I am no expert, but having had success with getting TWO babies to sleep through the night, you may want to hear what I have to say. The #1 question I hear new Moms asking is, "Is your baby sleeping through the night?" This is both a measurement tool and a sign of desperation. It's a measurement tool because new Moms are always comparing their babies to other people's babies to see how well their babies are doing. And it's a sign of desperation because what new Mom (or any Mom for that matter) isn't desperate to get a good night's sleep?! Yet, we can't do that when we have a baby waking up every hour.
Just last weekend I was at a party with a bunch of parents. I was telling one Mom how I got my 5 month old daughter to sleep through the night. As soon as I mentioned "sleep training" I heard the silent eye rolls around me. This Mom was quick to respond that her 8 month old daughter still wants to breastfeed all night. Of course I didn't say this, but what baby doesn't want to feed all night? That's why it's called sleep TRAINING. Yes, some people are blessed with babies that just sleep through the night without any kind of training at all. But most babies have to learn how to sleep through the night. Why? From the time they are infants, babies wake up in the middle of the night out of necessity to feed. And you have either given your baby a bottle or a breast, or both. This is a nutritional necessity, but it also teaches a certain kind of behavior. The message is, wake up and you will be comforted, and then you can go back to sleep. So, actually, babies learn to rely on breastfeeding or the bottle to comfort themselves, and in many cases, to fall asleep. The challenge this presents for the parent is -- what happens when the baby no longer NEEDS the feeding because of their age and weight (most experts agree that after 4 months and 14 pounds, babies don't need a night feeding - but check with your Pediatrician for clearance on your baby), but your baby is still waking up? How do you get them back to sleep?
This is where self-soothing comes in. And this is the REAL reason to do sleep training. Infact, the term "sleep training" should be replaced with the term "self soothing training". Babies need to learn how to self sooth. Whether you swear by the Sleep Easy Solution, the Baby Whisperer, or Weissbluth's Healthy Sleep Habits for Happy Baby (these are all great books by the way), all the experts agree that babies need to learn to self sooth. And, unfortunately, learning to self sooth sometimes involves a little bit of crying...and, in some cases, a lot of crying -- hence the term "the cry it out method". Imagine if you were given something to eat everytime you got upset, and then all of a sudden you got upset and no one gave you anything to eat. You'd have to find some other way to sooth yourself - something you could do for YOURSELF. Most babies will end up sucking on a thumb, fingers, a pacifier, a blanket, or like my daughter, their feet. It doesn't matter what it is, if they can do it themselves, for themselves, they are self soothing...and this is your goal.
I'm sure there are all kinds of methods, but here is what worked for me. Again, I'm not an expert and I am not claiming to be one. Check with your pediatrician before you do any form of sleep training.
When your baby wakes up and starts fussing or crying, WAIT 5 minutes before entering their room or getting them from the crib. If they don't stop crying, quietly go to their crib/room and without turning on any lights or lifting them up, gently pat their bottom or rub their belly and whisper sweet nothings ("Mommy's here, time to go night night" -- you get the idea). Leave the room within 30 SECONDS. If they keep crying, wait another 5 minutes and then do the exact same thing. If they keep crying, wait 10 minutes this time and then go in and do the same thing. If they keep crying, wait 15 mintues this time and then go in and do the same thing. Repeat in 15 minute increments until they fall asleep. Babies vary, and some babies will fall asleep within 15 minutes and others will take over an hour. The HARDEST part about this is that your baby may cry REALLY hard. This is in large part because they are used to different behavior (you nursing them or picking them up, etc.) and they are protesting. The reason to increase the intervals by 5 minutes in between each check in is so that they are given more and more time to try and sooth themselves. Although this process seems and feels entirely unnerving and cruel, a magical thing starts to happen. They start to learn to sooth themselves.
The typical timeframe for sleep training is 3 nights. But be prepared. Be prepared for screaming and crying. Be prepared to lose sleep, be stressed out and feel anxious. Be prepared to doubt and question what you're doing 1000 times. Be prepared for your partner/spouse to doubt what you're doing. Again, I'm not an expert (have I given that disclaimer enough now?!) If you have any concern/question if your baby is ready or this is the right thing to do, ask your pediatrician, read some books or Google sleep training. You will be assured that most experts are on the same page about this. One last thing. Don't start and stop. Now that's cruel and it sends mixed messages to your baby. If you're gonna do it, commit to 3 nights and do the exact same thing every single night.
GOOD LUCK!
Ok new Moms, listen up. I am no expert, but having had success with getting TWO babies to sleep through the night, you may want to hear what I have to say. The #1 question I hear new Moms asking is, "Is your baby sleeping through the night?" This is both a measurement tool and a sign of desperation. It's a measurement tool because new Moms are always comparing their babies to other people's babies to see how well their babies are doing. And it's a sign of desperation because what new Mom (or any Mom for that matter) isn't desperate to get a good night's sleep?! Yet, we can't do that when we have a baby waking up every hour.
Just last weekend I was at a party with a bunch of parents. I was telling one Mom how I got my 5 month old daughter to sleep through the night. As soon as I mentioned "sleep training" I heard the silent eye rolls around me. This Mom was quick to respond that her 8 month old daughter still wants to breastfeed all night. Of course I didn't say this, but what baby doesn't want to feed all night? That's why it's called sleep TRAINING. Yes, some people are blessed with babies that just sleep through the night without any kind of training at all. But most babies have to learn how to sleep through the night. Why? From the time they are infants, babies wake up in the middle of the night out of necessity to feed. And you have either given your baby a bottle or a breast, or both. This is a nutritional necessity, but it also teaches a certain kind of behavior. The message is, wake up and you will be comforted, and then you can go back to sleep. So, actually, babies learn to rely on breastfeeding or the bottle to comfort themselves, and in many cases, to fall asleep. The challenge this presents for the parent is -- what happens when the baby no longer NEEDS the feeding because of their age and weight (most experts agree that after 4 months and 14 pounds, babies don't need a night feeding - but check with your Pediatrician for clearance on your baby), but your baby is still waking up? How do you get them back to sleep?
This is where self-soothing comes in. And this is the REAL reason to do sleep training. Infact, the term "sleep training" should be replaced with the term "self soothing training". Babies need to learn how to self sooth. Whether you swear by the Sleep Easy Solution, the Baby Whisperer, or Weissbluth's Healthy Sleep Habits for Happy Baby (these are all great books by the way), all the experts agree that babies need to learn to self sooth. And, unfortunately, learning to self sooth sometimes involves a little bit of crying...and, in some cases, a lot of crying -- hence the term "the cry it out method". Imagine if you were given something to eat everytime you got upset, and then all of a sudden you got upset and no one gave you anything to eat. You'd have to find some other way to sooth yourself - something you could do for YOURSELF. Most babies will end up sucking on a thumb, fingers, a pacifier, a blanket, or like my daughter, their feet. It doesn't matter what it is, if they can do it themselves, for themselves, they are self soothing...and this is your goal.
I'm sure there are all kinds of methods, but here is what worked for me. Again, I'm not an expert and I am not claiming to be one. Check with your pediatrician before you do any form of sleep training.
When your baby wakes up and starts fussing or crying, WAIT 5 minutes before entering their room or getting them from the crib. If they don't stop crying, quietly go to their crib/room and without turning on any lights or lifting them up, gently pat their bottom or rub their belly and whisper sweet nothings ("Mommy's here, time to go night night" -- you get the idea). Leave the room within 30 SECONDS. If they keep crying, wait another 5 minutes and then do the exact same thing. If they keep crying, wait 10 minutes this time and then go in and do the same thing. If they keep crying, wait 15 mintues this time and then go in and do the same thing. Repeat in 15 minute increments until they fall asleep. Babies vary, and some babies will fall asleep within 15 minutes and others will take over an hour. The HARDEST part about this is that your baby may cry REALLY hard. This is in large part because they are used to different behavior (you nursing them or picking them up, etc.) and they are protesting. The reason to increase the intervals by 5 minutes in between each check in is so that they are given more and more time to try and sooth themselves. Although this process seems and feels entirely unnerving and cruel, a magical thing starts to happen. They start to learn to sooth themselves.
The typical timeframe for sleep training is 3 nights. But be prepared. Be prepared for screaming and crying. Be prepared to lose sleep, be stressed out and feel anxious. Be prepared to doubt and question what you're doing 1000 times. Be prepared for your partner/spouse to doubt what you're doing. Again, I'm not an expert (have I given that disclaimer enough now?!) If you have any concern/question if your baby is ready or this is the right thing to do, ask your pediatrician, read some books or Google sleep training. You will be assured that most experts are on the same page about this. One last thing. Don't start and stop. Now that's cruel and it sends mixed messages to your baby. If you're gonna do it, commit to 3 nights and do the exact same thing every single night.
GOOD LUCK!
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